That’s For Me To Know And You To Dot Dot Dot

So, it would appear that Kevin Williamson (who also created/wrote Dawson’s Creek) has decided to open each show with Law & Order-esque random people you’re never going to see again discovering a body/becoming a vampire victim. I’m actually hoping it’s not a trend because now that we know Not Boone is the one killing these people it’s sort of boring. The point to those openings in Law & Order is that you don’t know who did it. Now, not only do I know who is doing the killing, I just don’t care. You’re wasting a minute and a half of valuable screen time on people we’re never going to see again and who don’t advance the plot at all. Unless I’m supposed to believe there’s another vampire killing off the Mystic Falls folk? But I’m not getting that vibe. Yes, killing people off is going to cause problems for Stefan, but we already know that. I don’t need to see it. Although, Damon at least makes it interesting because when Random Girl runs for her car and it’s locked and he unlocks it with the beeper? I may have squealed and clapped like a seal I loved it so much.

History teacher, Mr. Tanner continues to be the biggest tool of all time and scolds Jenna for being a poor guardian while also, ONCE AGAIN, saying that 4 months is plenty of time for the siblings Gilbert to have gotten over their parents dying. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot, people?

Stefan goes to the hospital and dazzmourizes Vicki into forgetting how she was attacked, but since he’s on a diet of squirrels he’s totally sucks at it. (HA! Get it? Sucks? And he’s a vampire! *ahem*) Should he need to practice I would like to state for the record that I am available.

Elana, Bonnie and Caroline go to lunch and Caroline isn’t buying it when Elana claims she and Stefan just talked all night, because she, like me, would have tried to hit that like the fist of an angry god and girl go get some please. Elana sees our wisdom and decides that this is, indeed, a good idea. After letting herself into Stefan’s house when nobody answers, the Crow of Foreboding comes flying at Elana’s face and HOSHIT NOT BOONE IS RIGHT BEHIND HER! Turns out creepy is a family trait. As are black v-neck shirts. He brings up Stefan’s ex Katherine and my guess about that chick is that Stefan totally killed her. Accidentally of course. Stefan of course hears his brother telling Elana about Katherine and gets all angry. Elana leaves. Nobody gets it on. The Salvatore brothers do some weird tiger stand off circling and more threats about making Stefan’s life hell are thrown out. You know what this scene needs? Less shirts.

Once every 18 frillion years a comet comes close enough to see. As the entire town gathers to watch the comet Matt lights Elana’s candle (literally you pervs) and you know he’s totally hoping this is symbolic of them reigniting their romance. If there were a thought bubble above Elana’s head at this moment it would say, “Don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes. Just a candle dude. Never gonna happen.” And then she turns around and guess who’s right behind her with an unlit candle. No seriously, guess. You’ll never guess who it is. Go on, guess! Do you give up? It’s Stefan! I KNOW! She lights his candle before knowing who it is and YOU GUYS THIS IS TOTALLY SYMBOLIC OF THEIR LOVE! Stefan apologizes about being a tool earlier and you know what? These vampire boys do a lot of damn apologizing. Edward Cullen: I’m sorry I was rude to you.  I was busy fantasizing about the best way to kill you because your Outrageous Flavor is too much for me to handle. I ate some mountain lions so I’m better now.  Bill Compton: I cannot give you a specific example of his apologies because every time Sookeh! turned around he was apologizing for not being gentlemanly enough.  The only thing he should be apologizing for is this hair.  Elana also points out that Stefan spends a lot of time apologizing but girl, you do not even know the half of it.  Read the entire Twilight and True Blood series and then you can talk to me about a lot of apologizing.  Apologizing doesn’t look like a word anymore.

Horse Face sees Damon and swears she knows him from somewhere.  Horse Face is apparently a Lost fan.  He plays it off and I totally get it, you don’t want to be pigeonholed into one role for the rest of your career.  He takes her to the edge of the roof for some quiet time, which Boone would totally not do.  Do I need to go get Locke?  ‘Cause I’ll do it.  Do you need another spirit walk?  Do you?  Now you bring that girl down from there right this instance.  Before I can make my point Stefan bounds to the top of the building and basically says everything I just said but calls him Damon and doesn’t mention Locke at all.  Weird.  Not Boone complements Stefan’s jump with the best line of the night, “Not bad.  Have you been eating bunnies?”  More alpha male posturing occurs with a little Care Bear Stare and dazzmourizing thrown in for good measure.  And if the next time they mention the Not Good Thing that happened way back when without visiting the land of Back Story I’m going to start getting angry.

Caroline and Damon get it on and apparently Damon likes to feed while sexing.  Huh.

Elana goes back over to Stefan’s to finish what she started earlier and they talk and it’s epic and I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt.  Homegirl totally tells him where she hides her diary and Edward starts clapping because now Stefan has something to read while he watches her sleep!  They finally kiss and it’s epic.  Or something.

Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to finally go watch this week’s episode since I wouldn’t let myself watch it until I’d finished this recap.  The plan is for that recap to be up before Thursday and then I’ll be all caught up.  I’m hoping by telling y’all this it will make it so.