Are You Ready For Some Football? No, No I’m Not. Please Go Elsewhere With Your Pig Covered Ball*

It’s mere hours away from Monday Night Football and sitting here from the heart of Colts country I have a confession to make.  I don’t give a shit.

Hold the pitchforks and temper your torches and allow me to explain myself.

I don’t get football.  I have no idea what’s going on down there on the field.  I have never had a reason to learn.  In high school I went to football games to socialize (yes, I’m that girl.  Apologies.).  In college I went to exactly one football game and we left before halftime because it was cold, yo and watching A Walk to Remember/taking a nap sounded like a much better idea.

I’ve been known to fall asleep while Peyton Manning is on the field which I’m pretty sure qualifies me to be strung up by my toenails and forced to watch hours of football with my eyelids taped open until I relent that yes, football is awesome.  Also, I had to google Peyton Manning because I wasn’t sure if it was Peyton or Payton which I’m sure has it’s own set of tortures.  Look, I think his commercials are funny, okay?  And he’s got that other brother who plays football too, right?  I know stuff!

Okay, not really.  I watch the Superbowl for the halftime show.  The Britney Spears/NSYNC/Aerosmith/Mary J. Blige/Nelly halftime show remains a favorite, I don’t care what you people say!

Two weeks ago at Barnes and Noble, Bookstore Dude With the Really Pretty Eyes (Side note: I am in this particular store so often the staff all pretty much know me on sight.) was all “Why aren’t you ladies watching the Colts game?” and as I tried to not make eye contact, oh my god don’t make eye contact you’ll never stop blushing/break away from the omg so pretty eyes I decided, fuck it and told the truth.  “So, I’m not supposed to say this, but I just don’t care about football.  Yeah, yeah, yeah never stop looking at me like that.  I just don’t care…go Colts?” as I lamely held up my Colts credit card.

Look, I want the Colts to win, I really do.  No seriously, I do.  Do I need to show you my Colts credit card again?  If that’s not proof I don’t know what is.  You people are never satisfied!  I also know that I’m supposed to hate the Patriots, so I do.  I’m just not going to watch either of them do whatever it is they do.

In theory I should really like football.  Hot boys running around in tight, shiny pants, beer, awesome snacks.  However, in practice after about two minutes I’m all, “I’m boooooored.  Someone entertain me!” to which whoever actually is watching the game will reply, “I’m not your personal entertainer.  Watch the game!”  To which I respond, “Dance CLOWN!”  And the ensuing fight (think Jennifer Aniston and Christina Applegate on Friends) lasts 293 minutes and when we’re done the game is STILL ON.

So, while you’re all watching grown men run into each other on purpose, drinking beer and yelling, “Catch the damn ball!” and, “OOOOOOH! Did you SEE that?!?!” and, “What a pass!” or whatever it is you people yell at your tvs, I will be watching twenty-something vampires angst their way through high school, drinking a glass of wine and yelling, “Take off your shirt!” and “Come on girl, it’s time to hit. that.” and, “Say it with your shirt off!”.

*Yes, I’m just as surprised as you are that I posted again this week.

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11 thoughts on “Are You Ready For Some Football? No, No I’m Not. Please Go Elsewhere With Your Pig Covered Ball*

  1. Gerry says:

    Shireen, I belong to the I Like Football Club (but not as much as basketball or baseball, which some people don’t understand either), but I still enjoyed this witty piece of prose.

    And I hope you enjoy your vampire show, because it booted my Smallville to Friday nights, where it will no doubt get less-than-Super ratings and will explode off the the television landscape quicker than a supernova Krypton. But enjoy.

    • justshireen says:

      Gerry, I’m glad you enjoyed the post!

      Also, I will enjoy my vampire show (as I stated in my previous post) because I tend to enjoy anything with vampires, but if I had my way it would not be on Thursday night. Why did the networks move EVERY. SINGLE. SHOW ZOMG to Thursday?! Except of course, Smallville. heh.

  2. Jordyn says:

    Hahahaha! I wanted to ask, “why is it that we are friends?” then I read the bottom part about vampires & taking shirts off. I also have to remind myself that not everyone was raised in a family like mine where the predominant sports fans are women. If you ever feel the need to learn, I volunteer to tutor you. I’m pretty sure I was at that football game with you & Sarah. But Casey & I stayed… or maybe my brain imagined that.

    • justshireen says:

      We are friends because I’m awesome (heh) and also because we can’t not be friends. It’s an impossibility.

      Also, I appreciate you volunteering yourself, however until sexual favors are offered in exchange (which I’m fairly certain you aren’t up for. heh) I’m not learning.

      Also also, yes you were there. It was sophomore year, so the timing’s right. I have a picture of right before, somewhere.

      • Jordyn says:

        HA! Yes, you are awesome & Yes, it would be impossible…
        yet, as awesome as you are, sexual favors won’t be offered for my services. You will have to find someone else to help you with that.

        If you ever find that pic… I’d love to have it…

        Oh, and where the hell is your Vampire Diaries blog for this week? I’m supremely annoyed it isn’t up yet. Get busy. (side note, I almost abbreviated that VD until I realized that had other meanings not related to sexy vampires and too damn skinny bitches who are the “heroines”)

        That is all…

  3. I just get the touch down. As for how the ball gets there and what everyone’s “job” is on the field, save the quarterback – I know he throws it…I have no idea. Half the time I’m all, “WHERE’S THE BALL?” And my husband will be like, it’s right THERE! Can’t you SEE IT?

    No. Or else I wouldn’t have asked…

    • justshireen says:

      You know more than me. Although now, thanks to Glee, I do know that the kicker is pretty awesome. According to Glee (and it’s on tv so it has to be true, right?) the kicker is a wee little gay boy who will dance out onto the field to “Single Ladies” or some other pop-culture appropriate song before kicking the ball. I’m not sure WHY he’s kicking the ball, but I think the important part here is the pop song and the dancing. Oh and the wee little gay boy whom I want to carry around with me in my pocket.

      Yay learning!

  4. Wonderwall says:

    Ok, this was over a year ago, obviously. But I found your site through a link and was reading and laughing and couldn’t not respond. I also live in Indy and I think we have a similar “Go Colts!/ooh look something shiny” attitude. I’ll support them, but not if it means anything from my end. If I want to go shopping on a Sunday when everyone is either downtown or at BW3s it’s all the better. Deep down I really don’t give enough of a crap to follow it. But I’m fine with hating the Patriots. Hatred comes a little easier. lol

    • Heh. I make my friends so mad. “Did you see that?! … PUT THE BOOK DOWN, SHIREEN!”

      Although, I live across from a bar so whenever the Colts score, I always know. I like to pretend the cheering is for me.

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