We’re a Thousand Miles From Comfort

So. Hey there.

Here: have a photo of Harry Styles that I took.

Oh, and look, here’s my favorite picture I’ve maybe ever taken.

I could do a big long thing about why I haven’t been here. How I lost a job; spent a few months jobless, started seeing three mental health professionals, and gained a job. But, really, who wants that?

I’ve wanted to be here for awhile. I’ve been scared to say what I have to say. And it’s that I’m doing really well. It’s scary because if that goes away? Well, it feels like I’ve jinxed it in a Robert Durst, “killed them all, didn’t I?” kind of way.

Two-ish years ago I had a chance to meet, get to know, learn from, and have a heart to to heart with MeRa Koh, one of my biggest photography inspirations. I held my best’s hand, and with the sounds of the Outer Banks at my back spilled my guts to her. Why I loved photography. Why I felt like my depression was holding me back. How that feels like an excuse. She asked if I was in therapy. When I told her, “No, I’m poor.” Her response was the best. “GIRL! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” And if you’ve never had MeRa Koh shouting about getting your ass to therapy, I highly recommend it.

She was right. There’s never enough time/money/unicorns for therapy. But after six months of therapy I’m a believer. I firmly believe everyone should go for a bit. Find the person that works and go. Hot damn, but it’s expensive. But you know what’s more costly? Letting my mental health continue to deteriorate. The things I’ve learned, about myself, about depression, about the way my brain works are insane. Things I’ve thought I’d never have a chance to fix, to get past now have hope. And hope is a scary word. It holds so much. It can destroy me so easily when it’s dashed. But when it’s not? Hot damn.

Things are not perfect. All of my insecurities still exist. But most days? Most days they don’t consume me. They aren’t the end all and be all of my very existence. Having my meds right for the first time EVER; seeing a professional to help de-tangle all the distortions in my head?

There’s no place I’d rather be.