Hold On Hope

You know how when it’s really hot out and you pick up a candy bar it sort of just melts into your fingers? That’s how I feel. From the outside I look like everything is okay. My clothes are all facing the right way; I take my meds every day; I go to work when I’m supposed to go to work. Mostly. Today I even did my taxes without crying. But apply just a little bit of pressure and it all falls in on itself.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know how to firm things up. Well, that’s not entirely true. I know, generally, what to do. Exercise more (at all), eat better, try and pry my creativity and desire to do the things I used to love from the crushing grasp of my depression. Self-care. I know the steps. Intellectually I know them. Actually finding the energy and ability to actually follow through is a whole different beast.

I don’t know how to do that, though. Follow through. But lately I’ve wished I could. And, you guys, that’s something I haven’t felt in a really long time.

So for now I’ll do like the song says. I’ll hold on hope. I’ll try to find strength in pain and change my ways. I’ll try to refresh my broken mind.