Hold On Hope

You know how when it’s really hot out and you pick up a candy bar it sort of just melts into your fingers? That’s how I feel. From the outside I look like everything is okay. My clothes are all facing the right way; I take my meds every day; I go to work when I’m supposed to go to work. Mostly. Today I even did my taxes without crying. But apply just a little bit of pressure and it all falls in on itself.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know how to firm things up. Well, that’s not entirely true. I know, generally, what to do. Exercise more (at all), eat better, try and pry my creativity and desire to do the things I used to love from the crushing grasp of my depression. Self-care. I know the steps. Intellectually I know them. Actually finding the energy and ability to actually follow through is a whole different beast.

I don’t know how to do that, though. Follow through. But lately I’ve wished I could. And, you guys, that’s something I haven’t felt in a really long time.

So for now I’ll do like the song says. I’ll hold on hope. I’ll try to find strength in pain and change my ways. I’ll try to refresh my broken mind.

We’re a Thousand Miles From Comfort

So. Hey there.

Here: have a photo of Harry Styles that I took.

Oh, and look, here’s my favorite picture I’ve maybe ever taken.

I could do a big long thing about why I haven’t been here. How I lost a job; spent a few months jobless, started seeing three mental health professionals, and gained a job. But, really, who wants that?

I’ve wanted to be here for awhile. I’ve been scared to say what I have to say. And it’s that I’m doing really well. It’s scary because if that goes away? Well, it feels like I’ve jinxed it in a Robert Durst, “killed them all, didn’t I?” kind of way.

Two-ish years ago I had a chance to meet, get to know, learn from, and have a heart to to heart with MeRa Koh, one of my biggest photography inspirations. I held my best’s hand, and with the sounds of the Outer Banks at my back spilled my guts to her. Why I loved photography. Why I felt like my depression was holding me back. How that feels like an excuse. She asked if I was in therapy. When I told her, “No, I’m poor.” Her response was the best. “GIRL! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” And if you’ve never had MeRa Koh shouting about getting your ass to therapy, I highly recommend it.

She was right. There’s never enough time/money/unicorns for therapy. But after six months of therapy I’m a believer. I firmly believe everyone should go for a bit. Find the person that works and go. Hot damn, but it’s expensive. But you know what’s more costly? Letting my mental health continue to deteriorate. The things I’ve learned, about myself, about depression, about the way my brain works are insane. Things I’ve thought I’d never have a chance to fix, to get past now have hope. And hope is a scary word. It holds so much. It can destroy me so easily when it’s dashed. But when it’s not? Hot damn.

Things are not perfect. All of my insecurities still exist. But most days? Most days they don’t consume me. They aren’t the end all and be all of my very existence. Having my meds right for the first time EVER; seeing a professional to help de-tangle all the distortions in my head?

There’s no place I’d rather be.

Hold That Book Like Alcohol, Hold That Book Like Alcohol

I’ve been writing about some emotionally rough stuff lately, over at Your Tango: Just because I’m lonely doesn’t mean I hate myself; what depression is like for me, and never having been in love before. (Shameless plug, I know. But hang in there.) It’s been a weird, but good, experience. I’ve been feeling these things so often and for so long that I don’t have dig very deep to get to it. It’s all just sitting there on the surface ready for the taking. But this week (last week?) I hit an emotional wall (and god bless Brie who took the brunt of that breakdown). While it feels good to get it all out there, it also doesn’t fix anything. Not that I thought it would. But it’s a very odd experience to lay out all of your failures and shortcomings for others to see and have nothing be any different at the end of the day.

I’m not sure that feeling is going to go away any time soon, but the least I can do is keep writing and see what happens.

One thing that happens when I’m depressed is I start taking away the things I love to do, and one of the first things to go is reading. Part of it is I’m so tired at the end of the day, my brain is so done that I can’t imagine it working to read. It’s so much easier to turn on the tv and zone out. Which means, I’m way behind on my reading. I’m determined to read more as the year closes out and since someone asked a hundred years ago, here’s what’s on my nightstand right now.

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The Man In The Rockefeller Suit – I love true crime. I love dark, twisty, weird shit. And when that shit actually happened? Even better.

Defending Jacob – This is a book club book that we’re reading this month. Legal thrillers usually aren’t my thing, but I’ve heard good things about it. Plus, that’s been one of the nice things about this book club. It’s pushed me to read things I wouldn’t have chosen on my own.

Sublime – My girls Christina Lauren wrote this. Their first YA novel and I’ve been dying to find the time to read it.

Landline – I love Rainbow. And I’m kicking myself that I haven’t read this yet. But because I love her, I wanted to devote the appropriate brain space to this book and I just haven’t been able to yet. Soon, my precious. Soon.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – You’d think at 32 I’d have being an introvert all figured out. But I don’t. Not by a long shot. This is also a great book for extroverts who don’t know how to deal with the introverts in their lives.

Big Little Lies – This is another book club book. I know nothing about it, but I’ve liked her stuff in the past. I’ve also heard from some folks who love all of her stuff that this is their favorite so far.

House Of Leaves – Remember my love for the dark and twisty and based in reality? Yeah. That. A friend of mine said she’d read it and the first words she used to describe it were, “This is some fucked up shit.” I immediately pulled out of my phone to add it to my GoodReads list.

I also need to finish the last book in the Shatter Me series, Daughter of Smoke and Bone series, and the Divergent series. I KNOW.

What are you reading? What should I add to my massive list of books to read?