02.04.10
In Which I Use Far Too Many Shouty Capitals
*Leans down eye-level with blog. Blows dust off*
Huh. So, sorry about that. Real Life has been kicking my ass and calling me it’s bitch for the past couple months to the point where I’m all, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” Except that Real Life is most certainly a ma’am because only females are this creative with their torture.
But we’re going to skip over Real Life Issues ZOMG, because at this point you wouldn’t even believe me if I tried to tell you, and we’re going to get to the important stuff. Vampire Diaries recaps.
So, break out your swiffers and let’s do this.
Previously on The Dead & The Horny (aka: I’m skipping the last 4 episodes that I missed and starting with episode 11, Bloodlines, so let’s do a mini-cap, shall we?): Damon’s evil plot to bring Katherine back to life is revealed and then thwarted. Something involving a comet and the witches and a pact and the crystal and look, I don’t really remember, okay? A slew of vampires come into town and are killed INCLUDING THE BLOND CHICK WHO WAS STEFAN’S BEST FRIEND AND AWESOME. *ahem* New history teacher arrives. Something hinky this way comes. Elana confesses her love to Stefan, “Nothing can scare me away; I know what I want, blah, blah, blah, sex, sex, sex.” Unless, of course, she finds out that she looks exactly like his evil, vampire ex. In which case, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND LEAVE BEHIND YOUR VAMPIRE PROTECTING NECKLACE.
Aaaaand, we’re all caught up.
So we start with Elana upside down in her car because on her way out of dodge she hit a vampire (OF COURSE SHE DID). Not Boone saves her from the vampire road block and carries her off bridal style to kidnap her and take her to Georgia so he can go visit Zoë! Except that Zoë is actually Bree and she’s a witch.
Speaking of witches, Bonnie has lost her witchy way and can’t help Stefan check up on Elana. Grandma says she’s blocked and she goes to the tomb to unblock herself and falls through the ground and Stefan finds her and saves her and this whole storyline is boring the shit out of me.
Back at the high school (you know SCHOOL, where the teenagers usually go during the day) Jeremy meets a new girl and bless this poor little boy’s heart there is no way she’s just normal and human and interested in him. She’s very into helping him research his essay on the history of the town and it’s vampire. And the lord help him if that girl’s ears didn’t perk up when he mentioned that he had his ancestor’s journal. As will New History Teacher’s in the next episode.
NHT also has a special ring, not unlike the Salvatore brother’s, but he’s not a vampire. But there’s something up with this dude. He’s obviously set on revenge against Damon (who killed his wife) but I’m not sure how the ring plays into it yet.
Back in Georgia Elana is attacked by thea vampire but she’s just the decoy. Dude is after Damon for killing his girlfriend, Lexi (the aforementioned awesome blond chick). And he found the two of them via Bree. Hey thanks Bree. Elana and Damon live because uh, the season isn’t over yet, duh. But Bree doesn’t live because why would we want to keep any of the awesome characters around?
So now that the awesome character is dead and the plot points are out of the way Elana and Damon head back to Mystic Falls so she can yell at Stefan. You know what shuts her up? Telling her she’s adopted and that he saved her, at her father’s insistence, from the car crash her parents died in.
HOSHIT.
Episode 12: Unpleasantville
Jeremy invites a pizza boy into the house and of course we all know this is going to end badly. Especially because he’s wearing the black boots and hoodie of DOOM that Elana and Stefan were just oh so casually chatting about that the vampire road block was wearing. That sentence makes no sense, but I’m too lazy to re-word it. Bygones.
In other news it’s time to sing the doom song: DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM.
Boring things happen with Elana’s ex and Caroline.
Former football star moves back into town and start hitting on Bonnie. This can’t be good.
Elana recives a series of creepy Scream-style phone calls from the Road Block. In an effort to protect her Stefan gives back the compass that points due vampires.* Once it’s determined that pizza delivery boy is indeed Road Block the brother’s Salvatore decide he must die. Apparently in this land of vampires there are no take backs on the invite. Once they’re invited in it’s for good.
In a twist I think we all saw coming the cute girl talking up Jeremy turns out to be a vampire in cahoots (that’s right, cahoots) with Road Block and the former football star to get the diary from Jeremy, which is the key to letting Katherine and all the other vampires out of the tomb. Stefan kills Road Block after he goes after Elana (and after he and Damon torture him for answers).
NHT whilst talking about his wife reveals that his wife may in fact have been the mystery girl who left a baby on Elana’s parent’s doorstep. Which means at the least his wife was related to Katherine and is Elana’s mom. Also begs the question as to whether NHT is the father or if it was someone else. Also also why did Damon kill her? Was he just thirsty? Since she appears to have a tie to Katherine I don’t buy that it was a random kill.
So the recaps are shortish, but give me a break I’m a little rusty. Tonight’s episode should hopefully come soonish.
*I will never, ever stop laughing at this.
11.24.09
Hey, Hi, Hello and What Up
So, I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard to write about my real life happenings as well as the Vampire Diaries recaps (for those of you just here for the pretty, shirtless sparklepires, my apologies. I’ll get back to them, I promise). It just ain’t happening. In what may be the most fucked up ménage à trois I’ve ever encountered my words have run off along with my pants and my job. I’ve put off writing this in the hopes that today would be the day I could finally write, but it hasn’t happened yet and so sitting in the Barnes & Noble Cafe on my mother’s shiny, new Macbook I present unto you my cop out.
The real life happenings are not so daunting and overwhelming that I feel like my words running off is justifiable, because it could be worse. They are daunting and overwhelming for me, don’t get me wrong, but I’m trying to keep my perspective in check. But this not being able to write about it is starting to piss me off. This is how I deal. I don’t talk about it (much to my the dismay of my parents and friends), I don’t spill my guts to any willing ear. I write. I poke fun of the situation and myself. I avoid. But mainly? Mainly I write. And I haven’t been able to do that either here or in a nonpublic setting. I hit about 100 words and stall out. And those 100 words? Suck. Suck big time. Oh lawd, do they suck. They don’t accurately encompass the love and just flat out support I’ve had thrown (and that really is the only way for me to accept it, for it to be thrown at me so I’m accepting it before I even have a chance to turn it down) at me by friends and family and how grateful I feel for it. I can’t seem to organize my thoughts on how terrifying and paralyzing this whole joblessness is even though I know it won’t be forever and I’m not the first or the last person for this to happen to. I can’t find the best way to say that despite all the support and love I still feel utterly alone in this (the aloneness being a carry over from being terminally single while all my friends go and marry themselves off) and how incredibly guilty that makes me feel. And maybe that’s the problem. There’s too much for me to tackle. I haven’t figured out how to break it down into bite-sized pieces yet. I will. I’m confident that I will eventually, but I’m not a patient person and the fact that the one thing I want to write about is being elusive is just about the most frustrating thing ever.
And I haven’t done the recaps because I felt like the important stuff needed to come first. But now, well now I feel like I’ve got 400 words here already that I don’t completely hate, vaguely addressing what I wanted to address and I’m feeling a little bit more inspired to try the recaps. Because oh do we have to talk CW. Oh yes we do.
So, for now I’ll spend the majority of my time without pants on, discovering new things to put peanut butter on and making sure my Diet Coke supply doesn’t dip too low. Oh and looking for a job. Definitely looking for a job.
I did put pants on to go see New Moon: The Wolfening at midnight though, because I have my priorities people.
10.29.09
In Which The Plot Deigns To Show Up
This recap is woefully late. Which, you know, you’ll have. Remember how I was all, “I’m going to do a weekly recap and that’s totally make me want to write about stuff actually happening in my life and such and lo, it will be wondrous!“? So six weeks later that’s worked out pretty well. Now, before you roll your eyes at me (and I couldn’t even type that without rolling my eyes) let me at least say that I do have two different posts in the works. One of which is acting like a little bitch. I’ve been wrestling with it for weeks so I finally just had to give it the stink eye and take a step back muttering, “Just you wait…” under my breath. And the other post, well every time I try and sit down to write the kid at Yats breaks out his trumpet, or the dog next door starts barking, or the asshats with their crotch rockets decided to rev on by, or an ambulance/fire truck takes it’s sweet ass time passing my building with its siren on, or my downstairs neighbor is watching an action movie at top level and my floor shakes every time something blows up (a lot) which all leads to me yelling, “I’M TRYING TO ART OVER HERE, GUYS!” All of which, I’m fairly certain, if you put it all together spells procrastination.
Onwards!
Guess who finally decided to show up? The plot. Hey there little guy; so nice of you to finally join us. What’s that? Oh no, it hasn’t been terribly boring over here for the last 5 episodes at all. Okay, that’s not fair. It’s not so much been boring, as…well, slow. Meandering. Round-about fun? But this episode? This episode, things finally got good. Not only did Elana finally clue-in to the fact that Stefan’s a vampire, but we also, again finally, got the Katherine backstory (which, well done there because I did NOT see that coming) and we got Old!Stefan, which technically would actually be Young!Stefan and Young!Damon, which essentially amounts to bad hair and suspenders.
So, the confrontation: Stefan’s rushing out with the Wooden Stake of Great Justice to stop Damon and Elana’s on his front door determined to find out the truth. They have a conversation that might be a wee bit familiar to some of you* and we learn that vampires really like it when you say their name, bitch that they’re vampires. Insistent on it, even. We also learn that Elana has appropriate reactions and is scared shitless, whereas Bella was all, “Vampires are hot! Can we do it now?”. Also, protip for Stefan, magically appearing in front her/in her room? Probably not going to make her less freaked out. Just saying.
Elana agrees to meet with Stefan and they have the classic Dispel all Vampire Myths conversation. Garlic? No biggie. Holy water? Drinkable. Crucifix? Pretties. No reflection? Dude, have you seen me? I’m too pretty not to have a reflection. Stefan also mentions something about “mind compulsion” which, dude, the correct terminology is dazzmourizing. You’re welcome. He begs Elana not to tell anyone about him and to give him until the end of the day to prove he’s totes lovable. Whatever, like we all don’t know they’ll be back together within two episodes, three max.
So, with the flashbacks we learn that Young!Stefan and Young!Damon used to be best friends. Katherine was kinda a ho. Also, a vampire. She turned both brothers, dazzmourizing them into not telling the other. When she chose Young!Stefan over Young!Damon a grudge was born. Thanks lady.
Drug Face is dead! Yay! Wait, she’s not dead? Boo. But at least Damon’s got his shirt unbuttoned. And we’ve got a dancing montage, which are, let’s face it, always fun. *NECKSNAP DEATHBREAK* SHE’S DEAD! Ain’t no way she survived that! Holy fuck, she’s not dead? You have GOT to be kidding me. I 110% guarantee that I am not going to like this chick anymore as a vampire than I did when she was human. Fuck.
So the big deal with the watch was the it turns into a compass that points due Vampire? Seriously? No north, just VAMPIRE? Oh, that is- that is just- DUE VAMPIRE?
I don’t have anymore words about that.
For about .10 seconds I actually believed Stefan was going to die. And then I came to my senses and was all, whatever like you’d really do it. So, Sookeh! will be along any moment to suck out the bullet, yes?**
So, in the end Elana agrees to keep Stefan’s secret but she can’t be with him because HE’S A MONSTER. That voice you heard was Edward Cullen going, “SEE, Bella! SEE! I told you! I so told I was monster! Skin of a KILLLLLLERRRRRR!”***
*Look, I was actually aiming not to have a Twilight reference in this recap, but I can’t NOT compare those two scenes. Seriously, the only difference is one conversation happens on a porch and the other in the woods.
**I mean at this point there’s no reason NOT to bring in True Blood.
***I have zero shame about this one.
