11.24.09
Hey, Hi, Hello and What Up
So, I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard to write about my real life happenings as well as the Vampire Diaries recaps (for those of you just here for the pretty, shirtless sparklepires, my apologies. I’ll get back to them, I promise). It just ain’t happening. In what may be the most fucked up ménage à trois I’ve ever encountered my words have run off along with my pants and my job. I’ve put off writing this in the hopes that today would be the day I could finally write, but it hasn’t happened yet and so sitting in the Barnes & Noble Cafe on my mother’s shiny, new Macbook I present unto my cop out.
The real life happenings are not so daunting and overwhelming that I feel like my words running off is justifiable, because it could be worse. They are daunting and overwhelming for me, don’t get me wrong, but I’m trying to keep my perspective in check. But this not being able to write about it is starting to piss me off. This is how I deal. I don’t talk about it (much to my the dismay of my parents and friends), I don’t spill my guts to any willing ear. I write. I poke fun of the situation and myself. I avoid. But mainly? Mainly I write. And I haven’t been able to do that either here or in a nonpublic setting. I hit about 100 words and stall out. And those 100 words? Suck. Suck big time. Oh lawd, do they suck. They don’t accurately encompass the love and just flat out support I’ve had thrown (and that really is the only way for me to accept it, for it to be thrown at me so I’m accepting it before I even have a chance to turn it down) at me by friends and family and how grateful I feel for it. I can’t seem to organize my thoughts on how terrifying and paralyzing this whole joblessness is even though I know it won’t be forever and I’m not the first or the last person for this to happen to. I can’t find the best way to say that despite all the support and love I still feel utterly alone in this (the aloneness being a carry over from being terminally single while all my friends go and marry themselves off) and how incredibly guilty that makes me feel. And maybe that’s the problem. There’s too much for me to tackle. I haven’t figured out how to break it down into bite-sized pieces yet. I will. I’m confident that I will eventually, but I’m not a patient person and the fact that the one thing I want to write about is being elusive is just about the most frustrating thing ever.
And I haven’t done the recaps because I felt like the important stuff needed to come first. But now, well now I feel like I’ve got 400 words here already that I don’t completely hate, vaguely addressing what I wanted to address and I’m feeling a little bit more inspired to try the recaps. Because oh do we have to talk CW. Oh yes we do.
So, for now I’ll spend the majority of my time without pants on, discovering new things to put peanut butter on and making sure my Diet Coke supply doesn’t dip too low. Oh and looking for a job. Definitely looking for a job.
I did put pants on to go see New Moon: The Wolfening at midnight though, because I have my priorities people.
10.29.09
In Which The Plot Deigns To Show Up
This recap is woefully late. Which, you know, you’ll have. Remember how I was all, “I’m going to do a weekly recap and that’s totally make me want to write about stuff actually happening in my life and such and lo, it will be wondrous!“? So six weeks later that’s worked out pretty well. Now, before you roll your eyes at me (and I couldn’t even type that without rolling my eyes) let me at least say that I do have two different posts in the works. One of which is acting like a little bitch. I’ve been wrestling with it for weeks so I finally just had to give it the stink eye and take a step back muttering, “Just you wait…” under my breath. And the other post, well every time I try and sit down to write the kid at Yats breaks out his trumpet, or the dog next door starts barking, or the asshats with their crotch rockets decided to rev on by, or an ambulance/fire truck takes it’s sweet ass time passing my building with its siren on, or my downstairs neighbor is watching an action movie at top level and my floor shakes every time something blows up (a lot) which all leads to me yelling, “I’M TRYING TO ART OVER HERE, GUYS!” All of which, I’m fairly certain, if you put it all together spells procrastination.
Onwards!
Guess who finally decided to show up? The plot. Hey there little guy; so nice of you to finally join us. What’s that? Oh no, it hasn’t been terribly boring over here for the last 5 episodes at all. Okay, that’s not fair. It’s not so much been boring, as…well, slow. Meandering. Round-about fun? But this episode? This episode, things finally got good. Not only did Elana finally clue-in to the fact that Stefan’s a vampire, but we also, again finally, got the Katherine backstory (which, well done there because I did NOT see that coming) and we got Old!Stefan, which technically would actually be Young!Stefan and Young!Damon, which essentially amounts to bad hair and suspenders.
So, the confrontation: Stefan’s rushing out with the Wooden Stake of Great Justice to stop Damon and Elana’s on his front door determined to find out the truth. They have a conversation that might be a wee bit familiar to some of you* and we learn that vampires really like it when you say their name, bitch that they’re vampires. Insistent on it, even. We also learn that Elana has appropriate reactions and is scared shitless, whereas Bella was all, “Vampires are hot! Can we do it now?”. Also, protip for Stefan, magically appearing in front her/in her room? Probably not going to make her less freaked out. Just saying.
Elana agrees to meet with Stefan and they have the classic Dispel all Vampire Myths conversation. Garlic? No biggie. Holy water? Drinkable. Crucifix? Pretties. No reflection? Dude, have you seen me? I’m too pretty not to have a reflection. Stefan also mentions something about “mind compulsion” which, dude, the correct terminology is dazzmourizing. You’re welcome. He begs Elana not to tell anyone about him and to give him until the end of the day to prove he’s totes lovable. Whatever, like we all don’t know they’ll be back together within two episodes, three max.
So, with the flashbacks we learn that Young!Stefan and Young!Damon used to be best friends. Katherine was kinda a ho. Also, a vampire. She turned both brothers, dazzmourizing them into not telling the other. When she chose Young!Stefan over Young!Damon a grudge was born. Thanks lady.
Drug Face is dead! Yay! Wait, she’s not dead? Boo. But at least Damon’s got his shirt unbuttoned. And we’ve got a dancing montage, which are, let’s face it, always fun. *NECKSNAP DEATHBREAK* SHE’S DEAD! Ain’t no way she survived that! Holy fuck, she’s not dead? You have GOT to be kidding me. I 110% guarantee that I am not going to like this chick anymore as a vampire than I did when she was human. Fuck.
So the big deal with the watch was the it turns into a compass that points due Vampire? Seriously? No north, just VAMPIRE? Oh, that is- that is just- DUE VAMPIRE?
I don’t have anymore words about that.
For about .10 seconds I actually believed Stefan was going to die. And then I came to my senses and was all, whatever like you’d really do it. So, Sookeh! will be along any moment to suck out the bullet, yes?**
So, in the end Elana agrees to keep Stefan’s secret but she can’t be with him because HE’S A MONSTER. That voice you heard was Edward Cullen going, “SEE, Bella! SEE! I told you! I so told I was monster! Skin of a KILLLLLLERRRRRR!”***
*Look, I was actually aiming not to have a Twilight reference in this recap, but I can’t NOT compare those two scenes. Seriously, the only difference is one conversation happens on a porch and the other in the woods.
**I mean at this point there’s no reason NOT to bring in True Blood.
***I have zero shame about this one.
10.13.09
What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE!
Okay, so, vampires bleed. I get it people, okay? The bled in Interview with a Vampire; the bled in True Blood; every vampire ever conceived bleeds (unless your marble, Adonis skin prevents your skin from even being pierced *ahem*). Look, it’s been awhile since I read Interview with a Vampire and I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me while reading/watching True Blood and I think that Twilight is eating my brain, guys. WHATEVER I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY? (see also, doesn’t like to be wrong. ever.)
Moving on.
I’m having issues, y’all. Because we’re on episode 5 and it still feels like we’re doing set up and placement and painting trees and guys don’t forget that we’ve got a dress rehearsal tonight and I have no idea where this is going other than to say BLAH. Elana needs to figure out that Stefan is a vampire so that we can stop doing this awkward dance and really get going. I am always impatient about this aspect of vampire stories, it should be noted. Which is probably why I took such a shine to True Blood because bam! Bill walks in and Sookeh!’s all, “Sweet a vampire!” None of this hmm, you sure are mysterious and pale and odd things seem to happen to you when you’re around blood and you’re ridiculously good at football/you sure are fast/sparkle when you’re in the sun/I only see you at night/my your teeth are pointy/hey what’s that ring do? I feel like we’ve had a 5 hour long pilot and things can’t actually progress until Elana knows Stefan’s a vampire. Right now all you’re doing is explaining things the viewing audience already knows. So more with the finding out of things, less of the dragging out of things we know are going to happen.
Moving on…er.
I am 97.3% convinced that if I blog about it the CW will make it happen. Except for the whole Salvatore brothers should be shirtless at all times thing. But whatever. I said I like mythology, I got mythology. IT’S LIKE I WRITE ABOUT IT AND THEN IT HAPPENS. Never you mind that these episodes were filmed months ago. It doesn’t matter!
SO, we learned that if the vampires don’t feed they not only get weak, but their circulation slows (then stops (because THEY BLEED. I GET IT OKAY?)) and then they sort of shrivel and mummify themselves (neat!). Stefan explained it all to Damon, who I’m fairly certain since he’s lying in the basement cell (what, your basement doesn’t have a cell? Weeeeeird) is pretty aware of how things work, with his shirt on adding, “Once your circulation stops I’ll move you to the family crypt and then in 50 years we can re-evaluate.” Oh Stefan, you so funny. Now take off your shirt.
Guess who had a sleep over with Jeremy? Horse Face! Guess who doesn’t care ’cause she knows better than to think that Horse Face smartened up? This girl!
Elana pretends that she and Stefan are in a fight and it doesn’t matter because her life does not revolve around a guy. Aw, that’s cute. It lasts about 15 minutes until Stefan shows up in her kitchen making dinner, pronouncing mozzarella the way only assholes, 100 year old vampires and actual people living in Italy pronounce it: “mutzurella” and opens his heart right up to her without actually telling her anything. Everything’s perfect, Stefan admitting to his love of garlic and Scorsese until Elana cuts her hand (of course she does) and Stefan’s eyes commence with the needing of blood and she sees in the reflection of the window and then it’s fine and she doesn’t find out and oh dear Jesus are you dizzy yet? Round and round they go.
There’s a car wash in bikinis to raise money for the dead teacher? Look, I don’t even know. I do know that apparently Tanner was the only teacher at this school because we haven’t seen hide nor hair of a teacher since his death. Cheerleading practice? No teacher/coach. Car wash to raise money for dead teacher that nobody liked? No teachers. I mean, I get that the story is about the kids and believe me I do not need superfluous teachers taking up screen time (unless they’re hot. and shirtless.) but I’m just saying, if you’re going to be at school functions can’t you hire one adult extra in modest yet still stylish (this is the CW after all) clothes to wander through the scene every now and then? The car wash basically goes thusly:
Elana: *Tries to sexily take off shirt* *FAILS*
Damon: *Calls to Caroline from his cell*
Caroline: *Goes running*
Random Oldish Guy: Hey remember earlier when I said I thought I knew Stefan from 50 years ago? I really meant it. Totally knew that dude. Terrible about his uncle, no not Zach, JOESPH, getting mauled by a vampire wild animal and all.
Elana: Are we done visiting the department of back story?
Random Oldish Guy: But I thought you said you wanted more visits ther-
Elana: That is really not the point! Are you done?
Random Oldish Guy: *oldishsigh* Yes.
Elana: *Flees to go look up the story*
Bonnie: *Angrily glares at a puddle*
Puddle: *Bursts into flames*
Bonnie: HOSHIT!
Stefan: …yeah, that might be a problem. Hey, you haven’t seen Elana or Caroline lately have you? No? Huh, I’m sure that’s not worrisome at all.
Viewing Audience: *facepalm*
Something boring and predictable happens with Drug Face and Jeremy is heartbroken.
Determined to continue the predictable streak Caroline lets Damon out despite Zach’s best efforts to stop her. RIP Zach.
Daring to be slightly less predictable Damon feeds on Drug Face! *claps like a seal* [Pleasebedeadpleasebedeadpleasebedead]
Heading straight back to predictability, right when Elana shows up at the Salvatore boarding house to confront Stefan (but not before she’s journaled that she doesn’t believe in vampires. This is key. ‘It’s not true! I won’t believe it! All signs point to vampires, but it can’t be true!’ Blah, blah, blah) he’s heading out the front door with a Wooden Stake of Great Justice. AND SO HELP ME XENU IF IT TAKES THEM 41 OF NEXT WEEK’S 42 MINUTES TO GET AROUND TO ELANA FIGURING OUT THAT STEFAN IS A VAMPIRE I WILL DO THE ENTIRE RECAP IN CAPS LOCK AND NOBODY WANTS THAT!*
Nobody was shirtless the entire episode. CW, you’re on notice.
*Uh, yeah. That’s really the only threat I have. So cross your fingers she finds out early.
