In Which I Use Far Too Many Shouty Capitals

*Leans down eye-level with blog. Blows dust off*

Huh. So, sorry about that. Real Life has been kicking my ass and calling me it’s bitch for the past couple months to the point where I’m all, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” Except that Real Life is most certainly a ma’am because only females are this creative with their torture.

But we’re going to skip over Real Life Issues ZOMG, because at this point you wouldn’t even believe me if I tried to tell you, and we’re going to get to the important stuff. Vampire Diaries recaps.

So, break out your swiffers and let’s do this.

Previously on The Dead & The Horny (aka: I’m skipping the last 4 episodes that I missed and starting with episode 11, Bloodlines, so let’s do a mini-cap, shall we?): Damon’s evil plot to bring Katherine back to life is revealed and then thwarted. Something involving a comet and the witches and a pact and the crystal and look, I don’t really remember, okay? A slew of vampires come into town and are killed INCLUDING THE BLOND CHICK WHO WAS STEFAN’S BEST FRIEND AND AWESOME. *ahem* New history teacher arrives. Something hinky this way comes. Elana confesses her love to Stefan, “Nothing can scare me away; I know what I want, blah, blah, blah, sex, sex, sex.” Unless, of course, she finds out that she looks exactly like his evil, vampire ex. In which case, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND LEAVE BEHIND YOUR VAMPIRE PROTECTING NECKLACE.

Aaaaand, we’re all caught up.

So we start with Elana upside down in her car because on her way out of dodge she hit a vampire (OF COURSE SHE DID). Not Boone saves her from the vampire road block and carries her off bridal style to kidnap her and take her to Georgia so he can go visit Zoë! Except that Zoë is actually Bree and she’s a witch.

Speaking of witches, Bonnie has lost her witchy way and can’t help Stefan check up on Elana. Grandma says she’s blocked and she goes to the tomb to unblock herself and falls through the ground and Stefan finds her and saves her and this whole storyline is boring the shit out of me.

Back at the high school (you know SCHOOL, where the teenagers usually go during the day) Jeremy meets a new girl and bless this poor little boy’s heart there is no way she’s just normal and human and interested in him. She’s very into helping him research his essay on the history of the town and it’s vampires. And lord help him if that girl’s ears didn’t perk up when he mentioned that he had his ancestor’s journal. As will New History Teacher’s in the next episode.

NHT also has a special ring, not unlike the Salvatore brother’s, but he’s not a vampire. But there’s something up with this dude. He’s obviously set on revenge against Damon (who killed his wife) but I’m not sure how the ring plays into it yet.

Back in Georgia Elana is attacked by a vampire but she’s just the decoy. Dude is after Damon for killing his girlfriend, Lexi (the aforementioned awesome blond chick). And he found the two of them via Bree. Hey thanks Bree. Elana and Damon live because uh, the season isn’t over yet, duh. But Bree doesn’t live because why would we want to keep any of the awesome characters around?

So now that the awesome character is dead and the plot points are out of the way Elana and Damon head back to Mystic Falls so she can yell at Stefan. You know what shuts her up? Telling her she’s adopted and that he saved her, at her father’s insistence, from the  car crash her parents died in.


Episode 12: Unpleasantville

Jeremy invites a pizza boy into the house and of course we all know this is going to end badly. Especially because he’s wearing the black boots and hoodie of DOOM that Elana and Stefan were just oh so casually chatting about that the vampire road block was wearing. That sentence makes no sense, but I’m too lazy to re-word it. Bygones.

In other news it’s time to sing the doom song: DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM.

Boring things happen with Elana’s ex and Caroline.

Former football star moves back into town and start hitting on Bonnie. This can’t be good.

Elana receives  a series of creepy Scream-style phone calls from the Road Block. In an effort to protect her Stefan gives back the compass that points due vampires.* Once it’s determined that pizza delivery boy is indeed Road Block the brother’s Salvatore decide he must die. Apparently in this land of vampires there are no take backs on the invite. Once they’re invited in it’s for good.

In a twist I think we all saw coming the cute girl talking up Jeremy turns out to be a vampire in cahoots (that’s right, cahoots) with Road Block and the former football star to get the diary from Jeremy, which is the key to letting Katherine and all the other vampires out of the tomb. Stefan kills Road Block after he goes after Elana (and after he and Damon torture him for answers in a scene that is disturbingly hot).

NHT whilst talking about his wife reveals that his wife may in fact have been the mystery girl who left a baby on Elana’s parent’s doorstep. Which means at the least his wife was related to Katherine and is Elana’s mom. Also begs the question as to whether NHT is the father or if it was someone else. Also also why did Damon kill her? Was he just thirsty? Since she appears to have a tie to Katherine I don’t buy that it was a random kill.

So the recaps are shortish, but give me a break I’m a little rusty. Tonight’s episode should hopefully come soonish.

*I will never, ever stop laughing at this.

Hey, Hi, Hello and What Up

So, I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard to write about my real life happenings as well as the Vampire Diaries recaps (for those of you just here for the pretty, shirtless sparklepires, my apologies. I’ll get back to them, I promise). It just ain’t happening. In what may be the most fucked up ménage à trois I’ve ever encountered my words have run off along with my pants and my job.  I’ve put off writing this in the hopes that today would be the day I could finally write, but it hasn’t happened yet and so sitting in the Barnes & Noble Cafe on my mother’s shiny, new Macbook I present unto you my cop out. 

The real life happenings are not so daunting and overwhelming that I feel like my words running off is justifiable, because it could be worse. They are daunting and overwhelming for me, don’t get me wrong, but I’m trying to keep my perspective in check.  But this not being able to write about it is starting to piss me off. This is how I deal. I don’t talk about it (much to my the dismay of my parents and friends), I don’t spill my guts to any willing ear. I write. I poke fun of the situation and myself. I avoid. But mainly? Mainly I write. And I haven’t been able to do that either here or in a nonpublic setting. I hit about 100 words and stall out. And those 100 words? Suck. Suck big time. Oh lawd, do they suck. They don’t accurately encompass the love and just flat out support I’ve had thrown (and that really is the only way for me to accept it, for it to be thrown at me so I’m accepting it before I even have a chance to turn it down) at me by friends and family and how grateful I feel for it. I can’t seem to organize my thoughts on how terrifying and paralyzing this whole joblessness is even though I know it won’t be forever and I’m not the first or the last person for this to happen to. I can’t find the best way to say that despite all the support and love I still feel utterly alone in this (the aloneness being a carry over from being terminally single while all my friends go and marry themselves off) and how incredibly guilty that makes me feel. And maybe that’s the problem. There’s too much for me to tackle. I haven’t figured out how to break it down into bite-sized pieces yet. I will. I’m confident that I will eventually, but I’m not a patient person and the fact that the one thing I want to write about is being elusive is just about the most frustrating thing ever.

And I haven’t done the recaps because I felt like the important stuff needed to come first. But now, well now I feel like I’ve got 400 words here already that I don’t completely hate, vaguely addressing what I wanted to address and I’m feeling a little bit more inspired to try the recaps. Because oh do we have to talk CW. Oh yes we do.

So, for now I’ll spend the majority of my time without pants on, discovering new things to put peanut butter on and making sure my Diet Coke supply doesn’t dip too low. Oh and looking for a job. Definitely looking for a job.

I did put pants on to go see New Moon: The Wolfening at midnight though, because I have my priorities people.

In Which The Plot Deigns To Show Up

This recap is woefully late.  Which, you know, you’ll have.  Remember how I was all, “I’m going to do a weekly recap and that’s totally make me want to write about stuff actually happening in my life and such and lo, it will be wondrous!“?  So six weeks later that’s worked out pretty well.  Now, before you roll your eyes at me (and I couldn’t even type that without rolling my eyes) let me at least say that I do have two different posts in the works.  One of which is acting like a little bitch.  I’ve been wrestling with it for weeks so I finally just had to give it the stink eye and take a step back muttering, “Just you wait…” under my breath.  And the other post, well every time I try and sit down to write the kid at Yats breaks out his trumpet, or the dog next door starts barking, or the asshats with their crotch rockets decided to rev on by, or an ambulance/fire truck takes it’s sweet ass time passing my building with its siren on, or my downstairs neighbor is watching an action movie at top level and my floor shakes every time something blows up (a lot) which all leads to me yelling, “I’M TRYING TO ART OVER HERE, GUYS!”  All of which, I’m fairly certain, if you put it all together spells procrastination.


Guess who finally decided to show up?  The plot.  Hey there little guy; so nice of you to finally join us.  What’s that?  Oh no, it hasn’t been terribly boring over here for the last 5 episodes at all.  Okay, that’s not fair.   It’s not so much been boring, as…well, slow.  Meandering.  Round-about fun?  But this episode? This episode, things finally got good.  Not only did Elana finally clue-in to the fact that Stefan’s a vampire, but we also, again finally, got the Katherine backstory (which, well done there because I did NOT see that coming) and we got Old!Stefan, which technically would actually be Young!Stefan and Young!Damon, which essentially amounts to bad hair and suspenders.

So, the confrontation: Stefan’s rushing out with the Wooden Stake of Great Justice to stop Damon and Elana’s on his front door determined to find out the truth.  They have a conversation that might be a wee bit familiar to some of you* and we learn that vampires really like it when you say their name, bitch that they’re vampires.  Insistent on it, even.  We also learn that Elana has appropriate reactions and is scared shitless, whereas Bella was all, “Vampires are hot! Can we do it now?”.  Also, protip for Stefan, magically appearing in front her/in her room?  Probably not going to make her less freaked out.  Just saying.

Elana agrees to meet with Stefan and they have the classic Dispel all Vampire Myths conversation.  Garlic?  No biggie.  Holy water?  Drinkable.  Crucifix?  Pretties.  No reflection? Dude, have you seen me? I’m too pretty not to have a reflection.  Stefan also mentions something about “mind compulsion” which, dude, the correct terminology is dazzmourizing.  You’re welcome.  He begs Elana not to tell anyone about him and to give him until the end of the day to prove he’s totes lovable.  Whatever, like we all don’t know they’ll be back together within two episodes, three max.

So, with the flashbacks we learn that Young!Stefan and Young!Damon used to be best friends.  Katherine was kinda a ho.  Also, a vampire.  She turned both brothers, dazzmourizing them into not telling the other.  When she chose Young!Stefan over Young!Damon a grudge was born.  Thanks lady.

Drug Face is dead! Yay! Wait, she’s not dead? Boo.  But at least Damon’s got his shirt unbuttoned.  And we’ve got a dancing montage, which are, let’s face it, always fun.  *NECKSNAP DEATHBREAK* SHE’S DEAD!  Ain’t no way she survived that!  Holy fuck, she’s not dead?  You have GOT to be kidding me.  I 110% guarantee that I am not going to like this chick anymore as a vampire than I did when she was human.  Fuck.

So the big deal with the watch was the it turns into a compass that points due Vampire? Seriously?  No north, just VAMPIRE?  Oh, that is-  that is just-  DUE VAMPIRE?

I don’t have anymore words about that.

For about .10 seconds I actually believed Stefan was going to die.  And then I came to my senses and was all, whatever like you’d really do it.  So, Sookeh! will be along any moment to suck out the bullet, yes?**

So, in the end Elana agrees to keep Stefan’s secret but she can’t be with him because HE’S A MONSTER.  That voice you heard was Edward Cullen going, “SEE, Bella!  SEE!  I told you!  I so told I was monster!  Skin of a KILLLLLLERRRRRR!”***

*Look, I was actually aiming not to have a Twilight reference in this recap, but I can’t NOT compare those two scenes.  Seriously, the only difference is one conversation happens on a porch and the other in the woods.

**I mean at this point there’s no reason NOT to bring in True Blood.

***I have zero shame about this one.


Okay, so, vampires bleed. I get it people, okay? The bled in Interview with a Vampire; the bled in True Blood; every vampire ever conceived bleeds (unless your marble, Adonis skin prevents your skin from even being pierced *ahem*). Look, it’s been awhile since I read Interview with a Vampire and I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me while reading/watching True Blood and I think that Twilight is eating my brain, guys. WHATEVER I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY? (see also, doesn’t like to be wrong. ever.)

Moving on.

I’m having issues, y’all. Because we’re on episode 5 and it still feels like we’re doing set up and placement and painting trees and guys don’t forget that we’ve got a dress rehearsal tonight and I have no idea where this is going other than to say BLAH.  Elana needs to figure out that Stefan is a vampire so that we can stop doing this awkward dance and really get going.  I am always impatient about this aspect of vampire stories, it should be noted.  Which is probably why I took such a shine to True Blood because bam! Bill walks in and Sookeh!’s all, “Sweet a vampire!”  None of this hmm, you sure are mysterious and pale and odd things seem to happen to you when you’re around blood and you’re ridiculously good at football/you sure are fast/sparkle when you’re in the sun/I only see you at night/my your teeth are pointy/hey what’s that ring do?  I feel like we’ve had a 5 hour long pilot and things can’t actually progress until Elana knows Stefan’s a vampire.  Right now all you’re doing is explaining things the viewing audience already knows.  So more with the finding out of things, less of the dragging out of things we know are going to happen.

Moving on…er.

I am 97.3% convinced that if I blog about it the CW will make it happen.  Except for the whole Salvatore brothers should be shirtless at all times thing.  But whatever.  I said I like mythology, I got mythology.  IT’S LIKE I WRITE ABOUT IT AND THEN IT HAPPENS.  Never you mind that these episodes were filmed months ago.  It doesn’t matter!

SO, we learned that if the vampires don’t feed they not only get weak, but their circulation slows (then stops (because THEY BLEED. I GET IT OKAY?)) and then they sort of shrivel and mummify themselves (neat!).  Stefan explained it all to Damon, who I’m fairly certain since he’s lying in the basement cell (what, your basement doesn’t have a cell? Weeeeeird) is pretty aware of how things work, with his shirt on adding, “Once your circulation stops I’ll move you to the family crypt and then in 50 years we can re-evaluate.” Oh Stefan, you so funny.  Now take off your shirt.

Guess who had a sleep over with Jeremy? Horse Face!  Guess who doesn’t care ’cause she knows better than to think that Horse Face smartened up?  This girl!

Elana pretends that she and Stefan are in a fight and it doesn’t matter because her life does not revolve around a guy.  Aw, that’s cute.  It lasts about 15 minutes until Stefan shows up in her kitchen making dinner, pronouncing mozzarella the way only assholes, 100 year old vampires and actual people living in Italy pronounce it: “mutzurella” and opens his heart right up to her without actually telling her anything.  Everything’s perfect, Stefan admitting to his love of garlic and Scorsese until Elana cuts her hand (of course she does) and Stefan’s eyes commence with the needing of blood and she sees in the reflection of the window and then it’s fine and she doesn’t find out and oh dear Jesus are you dizzy yet?  Round and round they go.

There’s a car wash in bikinis to raise money for the dead teacher?  Look, I don’t even know.  I do know that apparently Tanner was the only teacher at this school because we haven’t seen hide nor hair of a teacher since his death.  Cheerleading practice?  No teacher/coach.  Car wash to raise money for dead teacher that nobody liked?  No teachers.  I mean, I get that the story is about the kids and believe me I do not need superfluous teachers taking up screen time (unless they’re hot.  and shirtless.) but I’m just saying, if you’re going to be at school functions can’t you hire one adult extra in modest yet still stylish (this is the CW after all) clothes to wander through the scene every now and then?  The car wash basically goes thusly:

Elana: *Tries to sexily take off shirt*  *FAILS*

Damon: *Calls to Caroline from his cell*

Caroline: *Goes running*

Random Oldish Guy: Hey remember earlier when I said I thought I knew Stefan from 50 years ago? I really meant it.  Totally knew that dude.  Terrible about his uncle, no not Zach, JOESPH, getting mauled by a vampire wild animal and all.

Elana: Are we done visiting the department of back story?

Random Oldish Guy: But I thought you said you wanted more visits ther-

Elana: That is really not the point! Are you done?

Random Oldish Guy: *oldishsigh* Yes.

Elana: *Flees to go look up the story*

Bonnie: *Angrily glares at a puddle*

Puddle: *Bursts into flames*

Bonnie: HOSHIT!

Stefan: …yeah, that might be a problem.  Hey, you haven’t seen Elana or Caroline lately have you?  No? Huh, I’m sure that’s not worrisome at all.

Viewing Audience: *facepalm*

Something boring and predictable happens with Drug Face and Jeremy is heartbroken.

Determined to continue the predictable streak Caroline lets Damon out despite Zach’s best efforts to stop her. RIP Zach.

Daring to be slightly less predictable Damon feeds on Drug Face! *claps like a seal*  [Pleasebedeadpleasebedeadpleasebedead]

Heading straight back to predictability, right when Elana shows up at the Salvatore boarding house to confront Stefan (but not before she’s journaled that she doesn’t believe in vampires.  This is key.  ‘It’s not true! I won’t believe it! All signs point to vampires, but it can’t be true!’ Blah, blah, blah) he’s heading out the front door with a Wooden Stake of Great Justice.  AND SO HELP ME XENU IF IT TAKES THEM 41 OF NEXT WEEK’S 42 MINUTES TO GET AROUND TO ELANA FIGURING OUT THAT STEFAN IS A VAMPIRE I WILL DO THE ENTIRE RECAP IN CAPS LOCK AND NOBODY WANTS THAT!*

Nobody was shirtless the entire episode.  CW, you’re on notice.

*Uh, yeah.  That’s really the only threat I have.  So cross your fingers she finds out early.

Vampires Don’t Bleed I Don’t Care What You Say. No I’m Not Moving On. Everyone Knows They Don’t Bleed. Seriously. They Don’t Bleed. Not Even A Little. UPDATE: Apparently They Do. My Bad.

This episode both frustrated me and made me clap my hands and bark like a seal which is apparently what I do when I’m happy now.  Frustrated because even though we’re only on episode four they’ve been dancing around the Very Band thing that happened and I am impatient dear god just tell me what it was!  Besides being impatient I also happen to think that the  mythology of a show is generally the most interesting part.  Which is why it comes as no surprise that I love scifi (tons of mythology, sitcoms not so much) and shows like Lost (all mythology) and Fringe.  However, while I looove  mythology and back story I realize that the majority of the viewing audience does not.  I also realize that we’re only on episode four, but combined with my impatience this whole we’re not going to talk about the Very Bad thing that happened, we’re just going to allude to the Very Bad thing that happened and when we do bring up the Very Bad thing that happened we’re not going to tell you anything at all except that it was Very Bad and that it happened! makes me a little stabby.

So, Damon teaches Stefan a lesson about not eating the mundanes by giving him a bad dream.  Stefan responds by throwing a letter opener at his heart and OMG HE’S BLEEDING, WTF CW?  Vampires?  Do not bleed*.  Period.  The end.  No Mas.  Damon returns the letter opener to Stefan by shoving it in his chest and HE BLEEDS TOO.  That sound you just heard?  My head exploding.  Gah.  Also, CW this was a complete missed opportunity because had the Salvatore brothers been shirtless during this scene I might not have been so focused on the fact that they were bleeding.  I’m just saying.

While heavily making out  with Elana, Stefan catches a glimpse of himself in her mirror and sees that his eyes are doing that weird, veiny need blood nao thing that they do.  Ignoring the fact that Stefan practically flew off her mid kiss because he desperately needed to tie his shoe Elana invites him to the Founders Party.  He says something along the lines of, “the Salvatores don’t get invited anymore” and it sounds quite a lot like, “The Cullens don’t come here” and that my friends is how you, post by post, diligently work Twilight into every single thing you write.**  You’re welcome.

Cut to Damon reading Twilight while Caroline tries on dresses for the Founders Party wherein he slams Edward for being whipped and laments about missing Anne Rice.  Best exchange of the episode?

Caroline: How come you don’t sparkle?
Damon: Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.

And then he waves his ring around stating that it protects him from the burning, “long story”. Oh really? Long story huh? Like maybe we could get a little background on it? Like maybe now would be the perfect time for a trip down mythology lane? *sigh* Sadly, no. But we do learn that in this world turning into a vampire is much more complicated than just a bite. Noted.

There’s a fantastically creepy scene where with Damon on top of her Caroline asks if he’s going to kill her. There’s a twinge of awareness but it’s also stated very matter of factly. She doesn’t blink twice when he confirms that yes he will, just not yet. There’s just something so creepy about how close they are, how intimate and this sliver of awareness, of acceptance that the person she’s entwined with is going to kill her.

In other news, Horse Face doesn’t like it that what’s his face (seriously I don’t remember his name and I’m not looking it up because I hate these two with the fire of a thousand suns) treats her like trash and blah, blah, blah richest family in town blah, blah, blah I don’t treat you like trash blah, blah, blah I’m not going to actually introduce the waitress to my family blah, blah, blah I don’t care.  Less of these two.  More of the Salvatore brothers with their shirts off.

*claps like a seal* Guess who’s shirtless? Guess who’s shirtless? *claps like a seal* Damon! And Stefan’s in a tank top!  Okay look, it really doesn’t take a lot to make me happy and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m only watching this show for the deeper moral meaning.  Hell no, I’m watching this show for the pretty, pretty vampires. Shirts off, boys!  Tank topped Stefan is buffing his shoes and oh so casually sipping scotch and shirtless Damon tells Stefan, who is still tank topped and casually sipping scotch that for sure doesn’t have any of that Herb of Stay The Fuck Away From Me in it that their nephew Zach has been secretly growing in the basement, no siree not at all, that, “You’re dead dude.  Get over it.”  Stefan’s all, whatever dude I’m just casually sipping my scotch maybe you should have some.  Because seriously, it does NOT have any Herb of Stay The Fuck Away From Me in it that would seriously cripple you enough that I could kill you if I wanted.  Nope, not even a little bit.

It totally does.

Damon doesn’t fall for it either.  But Stefan claims it was all part of his diabolic plan because now Damon will never suspect that Stefan will try and poison him again so soon.  Which he does by putting the herb in Caroline’s drink so that when Damon feeds on her Bad Things happen.  Bad Things that enable to Stefan to lay the hammer down on who exactly will be running things from now on.  Bam, said the lady!***

But before that happens and, speaking of Bad Things, we take a quick trip to the department of back story to find out how Katherine died.  Turns out she was a union sympathizer and was rounded up with other like minded individuals and the church (I think it was a church?) was burned to the ground.  While this satisfied the mythology craving monster in me somewhat, this is still not the Bad Thing that happened that the town is still recovering from.  My guess is that crazy with rage and anger that their beloved was just burned alive the Salvatore family exacted their revenge in the form of a giant Mystic Falls buffet, all you can eat style.

Damon also steals back an Amulet of Ambiguous Importance that he stowed in the house eons ago.  Do we know what it does?  Of course not.  But I feel like it must tie into the fact that the 4 mundanes gathered together at the end of the episode declaring, “The vampires are back” seem quite disappointed that they still don’t have Elana and Jeremy’s father’s pocket watch.  Not sure what the pocket watch does but I feel like the Amulet of Ambiguous Importance (that Caroline is now in possession of) might counteract whatever it is that it does?  I DON’T KNOW.   *sigh*

Next week: less shirts!

*UPDATE: Sooo, someone pointed out to me that vampires do bleed in True Blood and.  Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but she’s right.  While I don’t remember them so much bleeding when wounded I do know that both Bill and Eric give Sookeh! their blood, so obviously if they were, say, stabbed with a letter opener they would bleed. And it totally doesn’t bother me while I’m watching True Blood.  So, I will stop bitching about this now.  Carry on.

**Truth be told, I’m not actively trying to bring up Twilight at every pass.  It’s just that there’s so many similarities.  And with New Moon around the corner it’s fair to say I’m a wee bit excited and thus it’s on my brain more.

***If you get this reference without having to look it up?  You have a special place in my heart and let’s be friends!

Friday Night Bites

Vampire Diaries 1.3, aka: hey look who got the recap up before the new one airs!

You guys, the title of this episode is “Friday Night Bites” and it’s about football!  Of course, this is only funny if you know about the football show Friday Night Lights.  Get it?  They swapped out the word lights for bites ’cause they’re vampires!  I am not being at all sarcastic when I say that I love this.  Because this is the type of shit I would do if I were in television.  Also, clearly someone at the CW read my last post and they are trying to persuade me to like football.  Because aside from making real football like Glee football involving vampires is a surefire way to get me interested.  Now if it were a team of vampire football players and they broke out into a choreographed dance routine?  You wouldn’t be able to stop me from watching football.

Anyhoodle, this episode starts with Caroline in bed totally not wearing the same bra she was wearing at the end of the last episode but this is supposed to be just hours later and maybe someone on staff could check for these continuity errors that bother me so.  Oh, and she’s got a gash on the side of her neck that matches Damon’s pearly whites.  Suddenly Stefan’s in the room and he and Damon shout, “Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!” and with his fist raised Damon yells, “Form of a creepy motherfucker!”  Also, he is shirtless so clearly the CW is reading this blog!

Before school everyone apparently just hangs out outside the school and casually throws a football and such?  This did not happen at my school.  Or at least I wouldn’t know if it did because I was too busy getting up every morning at 4am so I could be in the pool by 5 for practice thankyouverymuch.  Whatever, the tv tells me this is normal.  Bonnie tries to warn Elana to take things slow with Stefan because she got a bad-touch vibe when their hands brushed.  Elana decides this means they all need to have a sit down dinner together.

Tyler, he who forced himself on Vicki but it’s totally okay because he was drunk, tries to throw a football at the back of Stefan’s head, but Stefan fast-mos around and catches the ball and throws it back and it was the best catch and the best throw of a football that anyone had ever seen ever.  Hey you know what’s a great way to blend in when you’re a hundred-something year old vampire trying not to bring attention to yourself?  Become the star football player.

Back in the class of I See What You Did There, Stefan schools Tanner in naming dates of historical events and you guuuuys, he just gave himself away as a vampire because nobody in the history of the American public school system has ever learned that much historical data!  Mostly I was disturbed by the fact that a grown man feels the need to shout “HA!” in a student’s face.  Also, fetch my slippers and shawl again please because when Tanner demands the class look up a date not one single person pulls out a book but rather a cell phone to google it.  I can’t even deal with that right now.

After much contemplative staring off into space Stefan tries out for the football team.  Tanner (oh what, like you’re surprised he’s the football coach?) only lets him because he thinks Stefan’s going to get his ass handed to him.  Tyler plans to do the handing.  Stefan walks onto the field with a look that clearly says:  BRING IT IF YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT IT.  BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO I WILL SCHOOL YOU SO HARD IN FOOTBALL AND HISTORICAL DATES YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, AND IT WILL BE BROUGHTEN MY FRIEND.

He makes the team.

I have to hand it to the CW becasuse the Salvatore brothers spent much more time with their shirts off or walking into scenes while putting them on.  I’m not saying there’s not room for improvement, I’m just saying I notice and appreciate the effort.  Although it would appear that the only shirts the boys do own are all black, usually v-neck and vary in sleeve length.  *whispers* It’s how we, the audience, are supposed to know they’re vampires.

Damon and Caroline, wearing a jaunty little scarf to hide the bite marks Damon dazzmourized her into forgetting about, crash the Dinner of Awkward Conversation and Elana invites Damon into her home and I think we all know how this is going to end.  With a serious conversation between Damon and Elana about which brother fell in love with Katherine first, obvs.  I’m amending my thoughts on her death, btw.  I’m now thinking, given Stefan’s interest in the Salem witches, that mayhaps she was a witch and thus the death by fire.  After dinner Elana has a sexy dream that’s half Stefan half Damon and really?  We have to stop right when he/they take the shirt off?  As she walks, startled yet sleepy, to get a glass of water we see the Crow of Foreboding in her window.  *whispers* It’s how we, the audience, know it was Damon messing with her dreams.

Before the football game Stefan gives Elana a necklace that will be available at your local Hot Topic any day now.  Screw the necklace I want that little box he had it in.  ‘Tis awesome.  It’s so tiny and wee and I could keep rings in it or something.  Want. Anyway, that’s not at all creepy or weird or a little soon to be handing out necklaces holding Herbs of Stay The Fuck Away From Me because it’s only been like what, two weeks?  Max.  No Stefan, it’s not.  Because no protagonist in the history of vampire stories (or rather Bella, Sookeh! and now Elana) has ever taken a relationship at a normal speed.  So giving her an heirloom that both professes your love for her and keeps her safe from your creeptastic, yet awesome, brother is right on track.  Next up: matching tattoos!

Tyler, super nice guy that he is, picks a fight with Jeremy.  Stefan attempts to stop the fight but Jeremy goes after Tyler with the broken neck of a bottle and Stefan holds out his hand to deflect, thus getting his hand nicely sliced and dripping with blood and HOLD UP VAMPIRES BLEED?  I’m not sure if this is from the books, as I haven’t read them yet, or if this is someone at the CW deciding they needed to show that vampires heal quickly but didn’t think things through when they wrote this scene.  I do not approve.

Elana gets Bonnie to admit that the bad-touch when she brushed hands with Stefan was actually more of a death…feeling.  Yeah, no shit.  Homeboy’s dead, honey.  Pay attention.

Damon and Stefan have the same fight they’ve been having since episode 1.1 and seriously unless you boys are going to take your shirts off while you have this fight it’s time to find a new topic.  Although, Damon does spice it up with his cheerleader imitation, which I love eight ways to Sunday.  To prove that he can do whatever he wants Damon feeds on Tanner.  This guy was such a one dimensional tool that I’m not even a little sad that he’s dead.

That night Damon sneaks into Elana’s room while she’s sleeping and is all, “Uh dude, do you mind?” and with a nod of his head Edward is up out of the rocking chair and out the window, on his way back to Forks.

And scene.

That’s For Me To Know And You To Dot Dot Dot

So, it would appear that Kevin Williamson (who also created/wrote Dawson’s Creek) has decided to open each show with Law & Order-esque random people you’re never going to see again discovering a body/becoming a vampire victim. I’m actually hoping it’s not a trend because now that we know Not Boone is the one killing these people it’s sort of boring. The point to those openings in Law & Order is that you don’t know who did it. Now, not only do I know who is doing the killing, I just don’t care. You’re wasting a minute and a half of valuable screen time on people we’re never going to see again and who don’t advance the plot at all. Unless I’m supposed to believe there’s another vampire killing off the Mystic Falls folk? But I’m not getting that vibe. Yes, killing people off is going to cause problems for Stefan, but we already know that. I don’t need to see it. Although, Damon at least makes it interesting because when Random Girl runs for her car and it’s locked and he unlocks it with the beeper? I may have squealed and clapped like a seal I loved it so much.

History teacher, Mr. Tanner continues to be the biggest tool of all time and scolds Jenna for being a poor guardian while also, ONCE AGAIN, saying that 4 months is plenty of time for the siblings Gilbert to have gotten over their parents dying. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot, people?

Stefan goes to the hospital and dazzmourizes Vicki into forgetting how she was attacked, but since he’s on a diet of squirrels he’s totally sucks at it. (HA! Get it? Sucks? And he’s a vampire! *ahem*) Should he need to practice I would like to state for the record that I am available.

Elana, Bonnie and Caroline go to lunch and Caroline isn’t buying it when Elana claims she and Stefan just talked all night, because she, like me, would have tried to hit that like the fist of an angry god and girl go get some please. Elana sees our wisdom and decides that this is, indeed, a good idea. After letting herself into Stefan’s house when nobody answers, the Crow of Foreboding comes flying at Elana’s face and HOSHIT NOT BOONE IS RIGHT BEHIND HER! Turns out creepy is a family trait. As are black v-neck shirts. He brings up Stefan’s ex Katherine and my guess about that chick is that Stefan totally killed her. Accidentally of course. Stefan of course hears his brother telling Elana about Katherine and gets all angry. Elana leaves. Nobody gets it on. The Salvatore brothers do some weird tiger stand off circling and more threats about making Stefan’s life hell are thrown out. You know what this scene needs? Less shirts.

Once every 18 frillion years a comet comes close enough to see. As the entire town gathers to watch the comet Matt lights Elana’s candle (literally you pervs) and you know he’s totally hoping this is symbolic of them reigniting their romance. If there were a thought bubble above Elana’s head at this moment it would say, “Don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes. Just a candle dude. Never gonna happen.” And then she turns around and guess who’s right behind her with an unlit candle. No seriously, guess. You’ll never guess who it is. Go on, guess! Do you give up? It’s Stefan! I KNOW! She lights his candle before knowing who it is and YOU GUYS THIS IS TOTALLY SYMBOLIC OF THEIR LOVE! Stefan apologizes about being a tool earlier and you know what? These vampire boys do a lot of damn apologizing. Edward Cullen: I’m sorry I was rude to you.  I was busy fantasizing about the best way to kill you because your Outrageous Flavor is too much for me to handle. I ate some mountain lions so I’m better now.  Bill Compton: I cannot give you a specific example of his apologies because every time Sookeh! turned around he was apologizing for not being gentlemanly enough.  The only thing he should be apologizing for is this hair.  Elana also points out that Stefan spends a lot of time apologizing but girl, you do not even know the half of it.  Read the entire Twilight and True Blood series and then you can talk to me about a lot of apologizing.  Apologizing doesn’t look like a word anymore.

Horse Face sees Damon and swears she knows him from somewhere.  Horse Face is apparently a Lost fan.  He plays it off and I totally get it, you don’t want to be pigeonholed into one role for the rest of your career.  He takes her to the edge of the roof for some quiet time, which Boone would totally not do.  Do I need to go get Locke?  ‘Cause I’ll do it.  Do you need another spirit walk?  Do you?  Now you bring that girl down from there right this instance.  Before I can make my point Stefan bounds to the top of the building and basically says everything I just said but calls him Damon and doesn’t mention Locke at all.  Weird.  Not Boone complements Stefan’s jump with the best line of the night, “Not bad.  Have you been eating bunnies?”  More alpha male posturing occurs with a little Care Bear Stare and dazzmourizing thrown in for good measure.  And if the next time they mention the Not Good Thing that happened way back when without visiting the land of Back Story I’m going to start getting angry.

Caroline and Damon get it on and apparently Damon likes to feed while sexing.  Huh.

Elana goes back over to Stefan’s to finish what she started earlier and they talk and it’s epic and I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt.  Homegirl totally tells him where she hides her diary and Edward starts clapping because now Stefan has something to read while he watches her sleep!  They finally kiss and it’s epic.  Or something.

Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to finally go watch this week’s episode since I wouldn’t let myself watch it until I’d finished this recap.  The plan is for that recap to be up before Thursday and then I’ll be all caught up.  I’m hoping by telling y’all this it will make it so.