In Which The Plot Deigns To Show Up

This recap is woefully late.  Which, you know, you’ll have.  Remember how I was all, “I’m going to do a weekly recap and that’s totally make me want to write about stuff actually happening in my life and such and lo, it will be wondrous!“?  So six weeks later that’s worked out pretty well.  Now, before you roll your eyes at me (and I couldn’t even type that without rolling my eyes) let me at least say that I do have two different posts in the works.  One of which is acting like a little bitch.  I’ve been wrestling with it for weeks so I finally just had to give it the stink eye and take a step back muttering, “Just you wait…” under my breath.  And the other post, well every time I try and sit down to write the kid at Yats breaks out his trumpet, or the dog next door starts barking, or the asshats with their crotch rockets decided to rev on by, or an ambulance/fire truck takes it’s sweet ass time passing my building with its siren on, or my downstairs neighbor is watching an action movie at top level and my floor shakes every time something blows up (a lot) which all leads to me yelling, “I’M TRYING TO ART OVER HERE, GUYS!”  All of which, I’m fairly certain, if you put it all together spells procrastination.

Onwards!

Guess who finally decided to show up?  The plot.  Hey there little guy; so nice of you to finally join us.  What’s that?  Oh no, it hasn’t been terribly boring over here for the last 5 episodes at all.  Okay, that’s not fair.   It’s not so much been boring, as…well, slow.  Meandering.  Round-about fun?  But this episode? This episode, things finally got good.  Not only did Elana finally clue-in to the fact that Stefan’s a vampire, but we also, again finally, got the Katherine backstory (which, well done there because I did NOT see that coming) and we got Old!Stefan, which technically would actually be Young!Stefan and Young!Damon, which essentially amounts to bad hair and suspenders.

So, the confrontation: Stefan’s rushing out with the Wooden Stake of Great Justice to stop Damon and Elana’s on his front door determined to find out the truth.  They have a conversation that might be a wee bit familiar to some of you* and we learn that vampires really like it when you say their name, bitch that they’re vampires.  Insistent on it, even.  We also learn that Elana has appropriate reactions and is scared shitless, whereas Bella was all, “Vampires are hot! Can we do it now?”.  Also, protip for Stefan, magically appearing in front her/in her room?  Probably not going to make her less freaked out.  Just saying.

Elana agrees to meet with Stefan and they have the classic Dispel all Vampire Myths conversation.  Garlic?  No biggie.  Holy water?  Drinkable.  Crucifix?  Pretties.  No reflection? Dude, have you seen me? I’m too pretty not to have a reflection.  Stefan also mentions something about “mind compulsion” which, dude, the correct terminology is dazzmourizing.  You’re welcome.  He begs Elana not to tell anyone about him and to give him until the end of the day to prove he’s totes lovable.  Whatever, like we all don’t know they’ll be back together within two episodes, three max.

So, with the flashbacks we learn that Young!Stefan and Young!Damon used to be best friends.  Katherine was kinda a ho.  Also, a vampire.  She turned both brothers, dazzmourizing them into not telling the other.  When she chose Young!Stefan over Young!Damon a grudge was born.  Thanks lady.

Drug Face is dead! Yay! Wait, she’s not dead? Boo.  But at least Damon’s got his shirt unbuttoned.  And we’ve got a dancing montage, which are, let’s face it, always fun.  *NECKSNAP DEATHBREAK* SHE’S DEAD!  Ain’t no way she survived that!  Holy fuck, she’s not dead?  You have GOT to be kidding me.  I 110% guarantee that I am not going to like this chick anymore as a vampire than I did when she was human.  Fuck.

So the big deal with the watch was the it turns into a compass that points due Vampire? Seriously?  No north, just VAMPIRE?  Oh, that is-  that is just-  DUE VAMPIRE?

I don’t have anymore words about that.

For about .10 seconds I actually believed Stefan was going to die.  And then I came to my senses and was all, whatever like you’d really do it.  So, Sookeh! will be along any moment to suck out the bullet, yes?**

So, in the end Elana agrees to keep Stefan’s secret but she can’t be with him because HE’S A MONSTER.  That voice you heard was Edward Cullen going, “SEE, Bella!  SEE!  I told you!  I so told I was monster!  Skin of a KILLLLLLERRRRRR!”***

*Look, I was actually aiming not to have a Twilight reference in this recap, but I can’t NOT compare those two scenes.  Seriously, the only difference is one conversation happens on a porch and the other in the woods.

**I mean at this point there’s no reason NOT to bring in True Blood.

***I have zero shame about this one.

That’s For Me To Know And You To Dot Dot Dot

So, it would appear that Kevin Williamson (who also created/wrote Dawson’s Creek) has decided to open each show with Law & Order-esque random people you’re never going to see again discovering a body/becoming a vampire victim. I’m actually hoping it’s not a trend because now that we know Not Boone is the one killing these people it’s sort of boring. The point to those openings in Law & Order is that you don’t know who did it. Now, not only do I know who is doing the killing, I just don’t care. You’re wasting a minute and a half of valuable screen time on people we’re never going to see again and who don’t advance the plot at all. Unless I’m supposed to believe there’s another vampire killing off the Mystic Falls folk? But I’m not getting that vibe. Yes, killing people off is going to cause problems for Stefan, but we already know that. I don’t need to see it. Although, Damon at least makes it interesting because when Random Girl runs for her car and it’s locked and he unlocks it with the beeper? I may have squealed and clapped like a seal I loved it so much.

History teacher, Mr. Tanner continues to be the biggest tool of all time and scolds Jenna for being a poor guardian while also, ONCE AGAIN, saying that 4 months is plenty of time for the siblings Gilbert to have gotten over their parents dying. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot, people?

Stefan goes to the hospital and dazzmourizes Vicki into forgetting how she was attacked, but since he’s on a diet of squirrels he’s totally sucks at it. (HA! Get it? Sucks? And he’s a vampire! *ahem*) Should he need to practice I would like to state for the record that I am available.

Elana, Bonnie and Caroline go to lunch and Caroline isn’t buying it when Elana claims she and Stefan just talked all night, because she, like me, would have tried to hit that like the fist of an angry god and girl go get some please. Elana sees our wisdom and decides that this is, indeed, a good idea. After letting herself into Stefan’s house when nobody answers, the Crow of Foreboding comes flying at Elana’s face and HOSHIT NOT BOONE IS RIGHT BEHIND HER! Turns out creepy is a family trait. As are black v-neck shirts. He brings up Stefan’s ex Katherine and my guess about that chick is that Stefan totally killed her. Accidentally of course. Stefan of course hears his brother telling Elana about Katherine and gets all angry. Elana leaves. Nobody gets it on. The Salvatore brothers do some weird tiger stand off circling and more threats about making Stefan’s life hell are thrown out. You know what this scene needs? Less shirts.

Once every 18 frillion years a comet comes close enough to see. As the entire town gathers to watch the comet Matt lights Elana’s candle (literally you pervs) and you know he’s totally hoping this is symbolic of them reigniting their romance. If there were a thought bubble above Elana’s head at this moment it would say, “Don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes. Just a candle dude. Never gonna happen.” And then she turns around and guess who’s right behind her with an unlit candle. No seriously, guess. You’ll never guess who it is. Go on, guess! Do you give up? It’s Stefan! I KNOW! She lights his candle before knowing who it is and YOU GUYS THIS IS TOTALLY SYMBOLIC OF THEIR LOVE! Stefan apologizes about being a tool earlier and you know what? These vampire boys do a lot of damn apologizing. Edward Cullen: I’m sorry I was rude to you.  I was busy fantasizing about the best way to kill you because your Outrageous Flavor is too much for me to handle. I ate some mountain lions so I’m better now.  Bill Compton: I cannot give you a specific example of his apologies because every time Sookeh! turned around he was apologizing for not being gentlemanly enough.  The only thing he should be apologizing for is this hair.  Elana also points out that Stefan spends a lot of time apologizing but girl, you do not even know the half of it.  Read the entire Twilight and True Blood series and then you can talk to me about a lot of apologizing.  Apologizing doesn’t look like a word anymore.

Horse Face sees Damon and swears she knows him from somewhere.  Horse Face is apparently a Lost fan.  He plays it off and I totally get it, you don’t want to be pigeonholed into one role for the rest of your career.  He takes her to the edge of the roof for some quiet time, which Boone would totally not do.  Do I need to go get Locke?  ‘Cause I’ll do it.  Do you need another spirit walk?  Do you?  Now you bring that girl down from there right this instance.  Before I can make my point Stefan bounds to the top of the building and basically says everything I just said but calls him Damon and doesn’t mention Locke at all.  Weird.  Not Boone complements Stefan’s jump with the best line of the night, “Not bad.  Have you been eating bunnies?”  More alpha male posturing occurs with a little Care Bear Stare and dazzmourizing thrown in for good measure.  And if the next time they mention the Not Good Thing that happened way back when without visiting the land of Back Story I’m going to start getting angry.

Caroline and Damon get it on and apparently Damon likes to feed while sexing.  Huh.

Elana goes back over to Stefan’s to finish what she started earlier and they talk and it’s epic and I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt.  Homegirl totally tells him where she hides her diary and Edward starts clapping because now Stefan has something to read while he watches her sleep!  They finally kiss and it’s epic.  Or something.

Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to finally go watch this week’s episode since I wouldn’t let myself watch it until I’d finished this recap.  The plan is for that recap to be up before Thursday and then I’ll be all caught up.  I’m hoping by telling y’all this it will make it so.

Here Lies…Well Not a Viking, That’s For Damn Sure

ORLY Alan Ball? You’re going to give me 3.5 seconds of Viking Vampire during the finale and not have a new episode for 10 MONTHS? You are officially on notice.

However, praise be to Xenu, we did wrap up the Maryann storyline. Look, I love Michelle Forbes. She’s a fantastic actress. She elicits from me every emotion she wants me to feel in every character she plays. I totally buy everything she doles out. Case in point: I hated her (HATED. HER.) in Battlestar Galactica. And she played Maryann wonderfully. She had some perfectly delivered lines: “That’s hitting me. You’re not committing to this at all.” But I sort of felt she was running around shouting “Iz in ur vampyre show, draggin out ur storylinez!” for the past few episodes. This might also be due to the fact that in the books she’s there for approximately 2 pages.

So Maryann finally gets her wedding-ish. Bitch may be crazy, but she can pull together a flower arrangement like nobody’s business. And Lafayette gently stroking his toga tassels in the background of those scenes made my day. Before she left us Maryann made the baby eels cry again, which is a lot like making the baby Jesus cry, only different. She also sees a white bull and is all, “My husband!” Silly me, I was sort of expecting the God That Comes to show himself as a human. (Yes, I knew it was Sam, I’m just saying if The God That Comes had, you know, come I was thinking human, not animal.) However, I’m not one to judge. About this. I’m not one to judge about this. Just the other day I was telling Sarah that having been single since the beginning of time that I would throw myself at a friendly kola bear right about now, so if a bull is what does it for her, well okay then.

True Blood actors you have got to stop dating your co-stars. I could deal when it was just Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer (also, Mazel Tov on the engagement), but Alexander Skarsgård dating Evan Rachel Wood? I’m starting to feel icky every time I watch someone get it on when I know they’re dating in real life and they do those things at home too do you think they bring the fangs home to role play? and omg I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t be watching this you guys, I’ll just be out here in the hall cough when you’re done!

I also sort of felt like all of the conversations about Sookeh! not being human were just a wee bit clumsy and heavy handed. SOOKEH! IS DIFFERENT! SHE IS NOT HUMAN! DID WE MENTION SHE’S NOT LIKE YOU AND ME?! SHE IS MORE THAN HUMAN! FORESHADOWING GOES…HERE! Also, um we’ve got like 6 more books before we’re supposed to find out about this….

I’m not even going to talk about Hoyt and Jessica until they are back together. You hear me Alan Ball? BACK TOGETHER!

RIP Eggs, the world never knew such lovely abs. Also, there is no chance of Tara ever being normal now. Well done Jason.

I’m not sure how I feel about the proposal. Besides a weird life imitating the tv show you’re on thing, in the books marriage is not even an option and I kind of liked that. Alan Ball tells EW that Hoyt’s mama is the one who took Bill, but I’m not inclined to believe him.

Bill, bless is poorly styled hair, pulled through for me twice!

“You must cahm with me”

quickly followed up with:

“Ah’m not sure Ah’m givin’ you ah choice”

Runners up, honorable mentions and participation ribbons:

Jason: “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning” All together now! Jason Stackhouse you stupid, sexy motherfucker.

Lafayette: “Worship him bitches!”

Bud: “You might have your faults Andy, but at least you got pants on.” Wise words, indeed.

Random Town Member We’ll Never See Again: “I would wear him like scrunchie!”

Also, True Blood Hair Department if you don’t stop combing Stephen Moyer’s hair into a pseudo bowl cut next season I’m coming to Hollywood to deal with you personally. It’s called hairspray. Learn it. Love it. Use it.

Also also, I’ve been kicking around the idea of recapping Vampire Diaries (don’t even pretend like you’re shocked that I watch that). Or Supernatural (hot boys are hot, yo). I don’t want to pigeon hole myself into becoming Vampire Girl! Although, I feel like that would be a pretty kick ass superhero. And I don’t want this blog to just be about tv shows (although, it’s my blog and I’ll damn well do with it what I please, thankyouverymuch. And I kind of enjoy the idea of just organically letting the blog shape itself rather than me shaping it. i.e. saying I will write about A and B, but not C rather than just writing (for the love of god, writing!) and coming back in 6 months and going, Huh. I wrote about A and B and D and Z and L and it all kind of works. And no I don’t know what is up with all the parentheses tonight) but I enjoy having a built in topic each week (and snarking on stuff comes pretty easy to me. I’ve had years of practice. heh) that sort of forces, in the best way possible, me to write. Which in turn leads me to want to write about other stuff that doesn’t have to do with vampires or tv. Parenthetical aside: speaking of vampires, y’all saw the New Moon trailer, yes? /Parenthetical aside. So, what say you?

…and then they made me their king!

Oh True Blood producers, I’m on to you. Trying to distract us with Evan Rachel Wood as Sophie-Anne giving new meaning to the phrase “eating out” right off the bat. And Jason running into a tree! Oh Jason Stackhouse (sing it if you know the words) you stupid, sexy motherfucker. Never change. Never, ever.

Oh TBP, may I call you TBP? Did you really think with the girl on girl blood drinking and Bill’s marginally(!!) better hair and the Viking in a suit (unf) and Bella’s busted ass wig and the pretty boy running into trees and whining about how he works out hard and watches porn to learn stuff that I wouldn’t notice that this episode was about fuck all? No seriously, the plot (you remember the plot, yes?) advancement was so infinitesimal that I was literally shouting at my tv last night. We learned how to kill Mary-Anne. THAT WAS ALL. Do you know what I had planned to title this post after last week’s ended? “Shit Just Got Real Up in Bon Temps, Y’all”

It did not get real, y’all.

Some highlights from the oh my god superfluous episode:

Tara acted like a damn fool and the only good thing I got out of this storyline was my Viking in a flowered shirt and denim skirt wielding a shotgun. Viking in a flowered shirt. It. was. AHSUM. Tara also ran right back to Mary-Anne to rescue Eggs and SHOCKING! it’s all Tara’s fault that Mary-Anne is in Bon Temps and oh also? She’s back to sporting the black eyes and breaking shit with Eggs. Hey, at least they’re not beating each other up anymore. Also, if you didn’t see that coming I’ve got some real estate to sell you. Also, also when Mary-Anne gets angry she makes a noise like a million baby eels crying. Or what I imagine that would sound like. I’ve not spent a vast amount of time around crying baby eels. See also: nails on a chalkboard.

WTF GIANT EGG IN A NEST?

Lafayette and Sookeh! discovered that they both are having sexy, sexy dreams about the Viking ALONG WITH 90% OF TRUE BLOOD VIEWERS.

Sam threw out the word imprint when describing how he shape shifts and a million Twilighters could be heard going, “Umm…, Sam? That word? I do not think it means what you think it means…“*

Eric meets Arlene’s kids and calls them cute, “like teacup humans” and I will now be calling all the little ones in my life teacup humans.

Aaaaand the quote!

Despite the pointlessness of this episode I still managed to find a quote. Remarkable, I know. Bill, replying to Sophie-Anne’s pre-yahtzee snack’s offer of “I will have the sex with you”:

“That will not be neccessarahy”

Oh, Billy Compton.

Runners up, honorable mentions and participation ribbons:

Tara to her momma: “That’s Satan in your motherfucking Sunday hat.”

Jason: “And that’s in the Bible. Or the constitution.”

Sophie-Anne to Bill when he rushes off after hearing Eric has arrived: “This alpha male posturing. You two really should just fuck each other and get it over with. I could watch.” ME TOO! ME TOO!

*ahem*

So, what was your quotable quote? And jaysus, but we have to wait 2 weeks until the finale?

*Why yes, I did just throw a Princess Bride quote in right next to a Twilight reference that’s inside a True Blood recap. It’s like an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, surrounded by conundrum wherein the enigma is the best movie EVER, the mystery is actually a sparklepire, and the conundrum is a thousand-mumble-year old Viking vampire.

Time the Fuck Out

Shit is going DOWN in Bon Temps, y’all.

It’s not every day that a deity is fixing to make an appearance in your small backwater town. The occasion calls for something special. But it has to be really, really special. You can’t just sacrifice a goat and call it a day. It’s been done to death. And you don’t want to disappoint said deity. Nothing says special like a tower of meat in the front yard?

Look y’all I don’t even know. This shit was not in the books.

What I do know is that this episode was seriously lacking in Viking Vampire. One half naked dream sequence does not a happy viewer make. Or something. And for the love of Shilo can someone in the hair department please give BEEL some decent hair? Stephen Moyer is an attractive man, but that hair is not doing him any favors. Let’s remedy this, shall we?

What we lacked in Viking was made up by everybody’s favorite Gilmore Boy Terry Bellefleur. Terry used his military experience to organize Maryanne’s merry band of shit disturbers into capturing Sam. He also seemed to be the only one who was still able to use any sort of reasoning skills while under Maryanne’s influence, calling bullshit on Jason’s lack of horns as the God that Comes.

And all I have to say about Jason’s attempt to free Sam is: Jason Stackhouse you stupid, sexy motherfucker. Bless.

On to this week’s quotable quote. Bill pulled through again for me this week when he went Vampire to Maenad with Maryanne and tried to get her to leave Sookeh!’s house.

“Ah strongly suggest you remove yourah self immediately!”

Needless to say I will be telling everyone I come in contact with to remove them selves immediately!

Honorable mentions go to Lafayette: “Jesus and I may have agreed to see other people, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time”

And Sam “Smite me motherfucker” Merlott.

There’s only 2 more episodes left. SOB!

This rushed post brought to you while I’m on vacation, bitches! and headed out the door.

Vampire Tears and Drity Lying Liars

True Blood keeps trucking along and there’s only 3 more episodes left and I don’t want to talk about it, okay?

This week’s episode was one of my favorites. We had Eric convincing Sookeh! to suck the silver bullets out of his chest b/c he is a lying liar who lies. There was Maryann preaching about how we all need to let loose and bash each other in the face a little more to experience God, or something. Which is amusing considering she’s always been pretty in control of her boozing, drugging and orgying. But she finally lost her shit when Sam turned into a fly and buzzed right himself right the hell out of that jail cell. We had gratuitous boob de Sookeh! to drive home the point that it’s Not TV, It’s HBO. Eric’s nekkid bod inspires the UNF heard ’round the world. Bella and Edward go to the Kings of Leon concert and that sound you just heard was the collective head of Robsten shippers everywhere exploding. Oh, wait, wrong vampires. So sorry. We learned that despite being a 6’3″, hundred (thousand?) something year old vampire when Eric cries his voice goes approximately 18 octaves higher than mine when recorded. Which is pretty damn high.

But despite all the great moments it was a hard one to pull a favorite quote from. A good quote is one that can be repeated out of context while casually walking by your co-worker’s desk and still be hysterical. It is usually not intended to be funny. But Bill was strangely absent of his Scarlett O’Haraian tendencies which generally contribute to the quote. He was oddly calm and reserved. WHO IS THIS UNDERSTATED VAMPIRE AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BILL?

But it was perhaps that lack of drama and the wry smile that made this week’s quote a winner. (And by winner I mean in the sense that I’ve now chosen to share it with all 3 of you now. So really we’re all winners. heh.) It’s Bill’s simple agreement that yes, Eric is in fact a dirty little liar and he too would like to kill him.

“Ah concuh.”

Technically this quote works best in context, but I still think it’s a winner. And there’s an extreme likelihood that for the rest of the week anytime anyone asks me a question I will respond with “Ah concuh.”

I am partial to, “Have ah made mah point?” also though…

And Eric’s, “You stone cold bitch,” was good too…

Too many choices.

Vampires, Waitresses, and Shape Shifters, Oh My!

You’ve heard of True Blood, yes? And the books? I love it/them. a lot. like cake. Also, I fancy myself a southern belle after each episode. I walk around talking in Bill’s ridiculous southern accent for days after each viewing. Everything sounds better. Seriously. “Sookeh is maaaahn!” So much better than, “Sookie is mine!” It only gets better from there. Trust. I can also be heard saying, “Jason Stackhouse you stupid, sexy motherfucker,” while watching. And Eric, oh Eric. Unf.

*Ahem*

The show does not want for sexiness.

Every Monday I come into work, head straight for my co-worker’s desk and we discuss and dissect the previous night’s True Blood. And then I share my favorite quote. Because there is always a quote. And it’s almost always from Bill. And it always makes things better. So, my dear parents reader, I have decided that Mondays I will share with you my favorite quote from True Blood. Why? Because you’re just that lucky.

Past quotes have included:

“You have undahmahned mah authorahty as a mahkah!”

“You made me a monstah!”

“Soooookeh!” It’s bound to be said at least 3 times during any given episode.

“Are you going to leahve or do Ah have to throw you out? Through a window! That is closed!” Sometimes being a hundred-mumble-year old vampire is hard y’all.

This week Bill didn’t pull through for me. But Eric. Eric never disappoints.

Sookie: He’s your maker?
Eric: Do not use words you do not understand.
Sookie: I know you have a lot of love for him.
Eric: Do no use words I do not understand.

Now, I admit, it’s no window quote, but coming from the viking vampire (yes, you read that right) with just the barest hint of a smirk? Funny stuff, people, funny stuff.

Folks it’s time to hop on the True Blood train. Besides a stellar cast, most of whom are from anywhere other than the south, you’ve got a hundred something or other year old vampire who likes to channel Scarlett O’Hara’s flair for the dramatic, a telepathic waitress who, golly gee, loves her vampire (and tiny little bottles of booze, too!), a shape shifting bar owner who can never catch a break and vampires in cowboy hats! And that’s not even scratching the surface. Go watch. No seriously, go watch. I’ll be here waiting. Season 1 is on dvd, HBO On Demand has all of season 2 and you can read recaps here, and here.

No seriously go watch. Otherwise I’m going to continue to badger. Just ask her.

ETA:
After consulting with higher powers my co-worker it has come to my attention that Bill did, in fact, pull through for me. It just didn’t register the first time I watched.

“Ah am not hungrah!”

Note: All quotes from Bill should be said whilst channeling Scarlett O’Hara and angsty/petulant 16 year old girls. I would demonstrate, but a: I don’t possess the necessary equipment needed to do so and 2: my voice is freakishly high when recorded. You know how the camera adds 10 pounds for most people? It adds octaves for me. True story.