Today is one of those days where everything is sitting just under the surface. All my anxiety, depression, every fault and failure, they’ve all merged into this teeming, throbbing mass around my heart, just waiting to explode. It takes all of my effort on days like this to not let it detonate. To carry on like I’m not about to shatter into thousands of tiny pieces. I can feel it crawling just under my skin, humming with need and want and manic energy. Everything is urgent and panicked and even breathing comes harder. I feel radioactive.
I don’t have days like this very often, maybe twice a year. I can point to the trigger this time. Usually it’s something small. A million small somethings adding up to tip me over. This time it was like a land mine. Like tripping over a live wire, I know exactly what’s gotten me to this point. I could feel the force of the blast, blowing all of my hard work and the carefully constructed pieces of my sanity to hell. I know that two hours of sleep last night because I couldn’t shut my brain off, because I could feel everything converging and mingling and melding, are exacerbating everything.
But knowing why and how and even when doesn’t help. It doesn’t help when all of your emotions are sitting like exposed nerves waiting for the slightest of breezes to set them off.
I know that I just have to contain it for today. I just have to make it through the day and eventually all the anxiety and depression, all my missteps and faults will release each other. They’ll dissipate and go to their separate corners. I’ll be able to put the pieces of me back where they belong and shore them up so the next land mine does a little less damage.