Not Here

I’m not here a lot, which is nothing new, but it’s starting to weigh heavier on me lately. I want to be here, and I have things to say, but the problem is those things. Because lately all I have to say revolves around working too much and being too lonely. And there’s only so many times you can say oh woe is me, I’m the loneliest, poorest girl in the world before people start rolling their eyes. And even I’m tired of thinking it.

My meds are working and the chemicals in my brain are at the appropriate levels, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m working six days a week & just barely paying my bills. It doesn’t change the fact that while most of my friends are talking about if their families are complete and not having anymore babies, mine hasn’t even started. I’m still painfully single with a rather loud biological clock ticking at me (o hai cliche, nice to meet you. It should be noted that I’m not necessarily looking to trick some dude into marrying me and knocking me up post haste, but more that the option just isn’t even there if I wanted it.)

So every time I sit down to write about something else, about my trip to BlogHer, or the cat’s surgery, or the fact that I just inhaled a good pound of freeze dried apples, or zomg the State Fair! I can’t get past the big purple elephant. (I’ve named him Lars.) And every time I try and look around him, Lars will flap his ears or twitch his tail, nudge me with his trunk and once again it’s all I can see.

I’m working on being okay with it. On trying to change it and being okay with it until then. But for now, excuse me if I can’t see past Lars.

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5 thoughts on “Not Here

  1. You are a beautiful person. These are such real struggles and so common, most people just don’t talk about them. I appreciate your honesty and nakedness 🙂 Thinking of you!

  2. You are pretty amazing. You know that, right? I hope so.

    Also MORE LASHES. It will solve things.

    (says the girl who has read from afar until we met in person just weeks ago, but would hug you if I could)

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