I don’t emote very well. For reasons that I’m sure a therapist could pinpoint for me I have a hard time verbally expressing how I feel, good or bad. I internalize a lot. Happy, sad, ecstatic it rarely comes out in verbal form and it certainly doesn’t show on my face. I would be the worst Publisher’s Clearing House winner ever.
This aptly sums up my life.
I’ve generally been okay with this. I know this about myself, my friends know this about me and hopefully don’t take it too personally. But, this past year especially, something has been nagging at me. The little people in my life don’t know this. Especially my godson. I haven’t been able to spend as much time with him this year as I would have liked. I worry that he doesn’t know just how much I love him. That I don’t say it enough when I do see him because sometimes I’m feeling it so much inside that I forget to say it. I take for granted that he can’t read my mind. That he doesn’t realize while he’s talking nonstop and jumping around and telling me about all his girlfriends at school all I want to do is squeeze him and tell him I love him, but I know he’ll roll his eyes at me and go, “Uh…okay. That was weird.” So I just think it really really hard at him. Hoping at least some of it rubs off.
I’m trying to remember to tell everyone around me how much they mean to me. So that they know, even when my face doesn’t show it that I love them to bits.
*Illustration by Kristina at Kris Atomic