Sometimes I wonder. I wonder why so many other people got to meet their person so long ago. Why they’ve had years and years and years together, made memories and babies together and I’m still wondering if you exist. I wonder if it makes me a terrible person for being so envious (that’s a prettier word than jealous, right?) of their happiness. I wonder if it makes me crazy for wishing I had someone to fight with. For longing for someone who makes my blood boil and my heart soar at the same time. I wonder if that even exists. Maybe I’ve just spent too many years without you that my expectations are skewed. Maybe I’ve built you up too much, built it all up too much. I worry that I have. I worry that I’ll meet you and I won’t even know it’s you, won’t be able to see past the you I’ve created in my head to see the you that’s right in front of me.

I wonder if it’s the same for you. If you’re out there feeling empty. If you’re wondering why everyone else gets to find their person when you’re left alone. Are you alone? Maybe you’re not. Maybe you have someone. Maybe you’re as desperate to find me as I am to find you.

I worry that there’s a piece of me missing. Some fundamental piece of me is just not there. Somewhere along the assembly line of dna pieces lining up this one just didn’t show up. I wonder if that’s why while everyone else is out there finding their people, fighting, loving, living with their people I’m here with my cat.

I wonder if it makes me a terrible person that sometimes, sometimes my wonderful, amazing friends and family aren’t enough. Sometimes the hole where you’re supposed to be aches too much to ignore. To put on a happy(ish) face and act like everything is okay and I’m just fine being the third, fifth, seventh wheel. I’m used to it by now. It’s fine. It hits me when I’m not prepared, with a small, almost thoughtless touch between strangers. A kiss to the cheek at the grocery store, absentmindedly placed. Sometimes I’ll be in a moment and realize how much better it could be. It’ll become glaringly obvious there’s something missing. Sometimes I’ll see that touch and my skin will sing with the absence.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I have to wait until I find you. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can wait until it’s too much. Until the utter unfairness of living this lonely life catches up with me. If maybe this is just something I’ve dreamed up. Too many years in books and movies and my own thoughts.

I wonder.


17 thoughts on “You

  1. OH.

    I could have written this. ALL of it, except for the part about the cat!

    I have hope that I will find my person, I’m not sure when or where or how, but I have hope. I also have hope that it happens before I’m too old to appreciate it and too old to have kids.

    I hope that you find your person too! I know that you will!

    I heart you to pieces!!!


  2. Katie says:

    You will find your person. I had to wait a very long time to find mine; we didn’t meet until just a few months until my 30th birthday. Your person is out there, looking and waiting for you the way you are for them.

  3. holli la vigne says:

    You will find that someone – i have no doubt – i am sorry it can be so crappy sometimes – i think most of us have been there at some time or another –
    …am racking my brain for some hot wonderful single man that i know that would be good enough for u !!!!!
    luv ya

  4. I want you to find your person, mostly because if he deserves you, then he has to be one helluva guy.
    At the same time, you have to promise me you’ll move closer to me once you find him. I may want you happy, but I also want you in my life forever and ever SELFISH I AM.

  5. robbyslaughter says:

    I wonder too.

    I wonder why I spent all that time dating the wrong people. You see, I’m an extrovert. A salesman. A hand-shaker. A person who follows up and checks in. I’m a guy with a plan to meet new people and try to good to them.

    But I wonder why I spent all that time rushing from the wrong person to the next wrong person. Not that they were bad people. They were just not *her*. I wonder why I got so good at first dates. I wonder why I developed a knack for staying too long. I wonder why I kept thinking “maybe this is all it is and I should settle.”

    I wonder why I gave up. Decided to quit trying. That is not my style. Usually I get more creative, more efficient, more daring. But I decided to stop dating. I was 27 when I quit.

    And then I met her. And then everything.

    So thanks for sharing your wonders. I will leave you with one more: I wonder why the most important things happen in our lives when we are least prepared. Maybe that’s so we don’t forget how to look at the stars and wonder.

  6. Dearest Shireen,

    We met once upon a time. About this time last year. We were shamelessly dressing a baby up as a platypus and taking pictures of her. (And when I say ‘we’ I mean more you and Casey while I… I was doing something that doesn’t require creativity. Probably sorting mail in all of my glorious awkwardness.) I’m weird in my own special way and become all quiet and awkward around new people. I wish we could have gotten to know each other better during my short visit to Indy.

    I frequently think of you. Not in a stalker-esque kind of way. But more in a ‘you’re one of Casey’s favorite people, so automatically you’re good in my book’ kind of way. This post only confirms it. I completely understand your emotions. I, too, ache for that person to fight with. I ache for the feeling of a hand on the small of my back. I ache for motherhood. All the while I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

    So this is what I propose. You move to Florida, and we’ll create “Shireen and Olivia take Orlando” but in a far less douchey way than the Kardashians. We’ll have endless adventures while we wait for the arrival of our significant others. Deal?


    Casey’s Sister-in-Law

  7. I’m pretty sure if your person really knew that you in all your awesomeness was waiting for him, he’d haul ass to find his way to you. As it is, he has no idea how lucky he’s going to be someday. So he’s strolling along, in no hurry.
    Men are stupid like that.

  8. Beautiful, thank you. So many, many of us feel/have felt like that. It’s biological. It’s chemical, it’s a law of nature, and not just human nature. I wrote essays for my MFA thesis on the topic, and one thing I know is that incompleteness is not just real but necessary at every level. Atoms bond because of absences in their valence shells. Even an atom of iron needs to find its mate. What is it about marriage that makes us feel like we have found that missing piece of ourselves.? We are all missing pieces. And that should be read both ways–you are a missing piece of someone out there. Humans are born to need one another. It’s just not so easy to find one another. When I was finally married, the day before I turned forty, I learned that my husband was not enough, in himself–I still needed my family and friends. And when I had a miscarriage, i learned that my husband was not enough, I needed a child. But before I met my husband, I broke up with “my last prospect,” and threw myself into my work and school (and family, and friends, and dog, and cat). Know that, until you find that particular missing piece, you are making the world a better place with your beautiful writing.

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