Scuba Diving, Self Doubt and That Which We Don’t Speak Of

I’ve been staring at this little page for an hour trying to figure out how to connect all the things that I want to talk about. Make them cohesive, coherent, co-makes sense (whatever, just go with it) and then I realized, this isn’t a term paper, it’s my blog. None of the subjects are really long enough for their own post and if I dug around deep enough in my brain I could probably tie them together, but I’m running on goldfish and diet coke so that’s just not happening at the moment.

So, please enjoy the following disjointed post (with photo deluge, bonus!)

* * *

The past two years have not been easy on my (already tenuous) self-confidence. Trying to convince myself (or others) that I’m good at something has never been my strong suit. Even when I am good at it. And lately? Ooof. But today I found myself explaining that writing, well I’m good at that. I can do that. It certainly helps that I love do it, but I was pleasantly surprised when none of the negative self-doubt came trotting along behind. I even reminded my brain that this particular writing would be out of my comfort zone. Something new. Something different. But still, nothing. Just a solid feeling of I can do it. And damn, if that didn’t feel good.

* * *

A very wise lady described depression as scuba diving with a 2,000lb weight strapped to your back. And oh sister is she right. Because if you were to go scuba diving with a 2,000lb weight strapped to your back, you’d probably forget to breathe. You’d be concentrating so hard on not sinking to the bottom of the ocean that you’d forget that even though you’ve got a tank of air right there in your mouth, all you have to do is inhale. You’d forget to inhale and you certainly can’t kick your way to the top if you don’t have a lung full of air. Depression is like that. You get so focused on not falling, on not sinking that you forget that you’ve got this wonderful group of people all just standing by waiting to help. All you have to do is let them.

* * *

I’ve always admired those who completed a 365 photo project, but just the thought of leaving behind a slew of unfinished projects was enough to make me not start. And I’m not saying I started one for 2012, but I am saying that I downloaded an app called Project 365 and I do have my phone with me all the time.

I also signed up to participate in FatMumSlim’s January PhotoADay project. I take a lot of photos with my camera. But if you look at my photo album it’s mostly cat, cat, knitting, food, food, food, ME!, food, knitting, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, ME! Well, you get the idea. I figured with these prompts hopefully I could take a few more meaningful photos throughout the year. You know, ones with people in them.  You know people, they stand on two legs and aren’t covered in fur. Well, most of them anyway.

So, I present to you, the prompts and the results for the first two weeks of January.

Week one:

Me

breakfast

something I adoreA Christmas gift from her.

letterbox

something I wore

makes me smileInexplicably it was sunny, blue skies and almost 50 degrees. In January.

favoriteItty bittys made by my favorite people.

Week two:

my sky

daily routineI don’t sleep much, so sadly seeing 5am before falling asleep has become routine.

childhoodAll the female cousins got a little gold box with our name engraved one year from my aunt.

where I sleep

close-up

in my bagClockwise: book, wallet, Boris Loved Natasha clutch, chapstick, deodorant, camera, Clean perfume, pen, sharpie, mascara, Fresh brown sugar, card case, lip gloss, notebook, glasses, advil, ipod.

something I'm reading

Anyone else doing the #janphotoaday challenge?

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One thought on “Scuba Diving, Self Doubt and That Which We Don’t Speak Of

  1. I was going to take a picture of myself when we were in your car for your “something I adore” photo but I figured that was kind of braggy and pretentious.

    But I made it in anyway….SCOOOORREEE!!

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