The One I Didn’t Want To Write

I haven’t written in awhile. Mainly because I have nothing to say. Nothing good anyway. I could tell you about the ridiculous experience that was my first brazilian, but my family reads this, so I won’t. (Daddy, don’t google that. Trust me.)

I’m struggling right now more than I ever have. And after fighting this disease since I was sixteen you’d think I’d be good at it. That I’d have my defenses in place and ready to fight. But I don’t. I feel untenable. I feel like if anyone were to look too closely or too deeply I would shatter. I feel like I’ve already shattered from trying to keep myself together and one strong breeze will knock me down.

I’m trying very hard to remember that depression is a lying bastard, that I will come out of this on the other side. Hopefully stronger, definitely battleworn but maybe even a little better.

I don’t believe a word of that, but I’m trying very hard to fake it until I do.

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20 thoughts on “The One I Didn’t Want To Write

  1. Depression is a lying bastard and he so does not deserve you! You will be stronger and better, but also battle worn 😦 Please don’t shatter…. I love your humor. I wish there was something I could say that would make it even a little better, but I know there is not. Just keep fighting… and when you feel like giving up, let us fight for you. I know there are those that will.

  2. Hang in there. You won’t shatter, you just feel like you might. But every morning that sun comes up and you great it, whether it’s with a curse or a smile. Keep greeting it until there are more smiles than curses. It eventually comes. ((hugs))

  3. I’m good for everything these girls are good for and more.

    You met me in the lowest of lows. You watched me fight my way back. You stood by my side until I was able to stand on my own two feet.

    Now that I’m up, I’ll do everything I can to get you up here too, no matter how long it takes.

  4. Today I am on the other side… but I more than understand the fear of not knowing where I will be next week. If I will maybe cross back over. I can only hope that you will find the other side, this side, the one that’s a bit more fun. I hope that you can find away to stay here for a while, be happy here. I’m sorry it’s taking time, and energy, but it’s there. I promise.

    Giant hugs. Loads of peace. And heaps of well wishes.
    xoxox.

  5. Cate says:

    “I feel like if anyone were to look too closely or too deeply I would shatter. I feel like I’ve already shattered from trying to keep myself together and one strong breeze will knock me down”

    You just read my mind. ❤

  6. Wishing you light and warmth and strength. I suffer too and know how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other when you’re in the depths. Get support and help wherever you can grab it. Lean on those who can hold you up. Most important, be gentle with yourself.

    I wish you a speedy recovery.

  7. You will come out of this. You are going to come out of this stronger and more fierce so that the next time this Bitch named Depression comes rearing her ugly head you will stand up and tell her where to go. Each time we go through this we become a little better, a little more prepared. You are strong, you are stronger than those linebackers on tv that everyone celebrates, you are stronger than the freaky looking greased up body builders on late night saturday espn. You are one of the many out there that survive this disease with a badge of honor. You are in a sisterhood of women that are stronger than they realize and don’t get together nearly often enough for drinks. 🙂 I know because I have fought depression for 16 years now. I’ve been the lowest of lows wondering if this world would be better off without me because those are the lies that depression tells us. I am here to be louder than depression, I have the battle wounds and I am living breathing spunky crazy proof that we are good enough to be here and we are here to make a difference. I’m wearing my silver ribbon for you tonight. 🙂

  8. Depression is such an ugly bitch. I’ve had (and have) my own struggles – and that’s exactly it – a struggle. Sometimes fake it til you make it works, other times you have to feel it and claw your way back out. Either way, you CAN, you WILL. xo

  9. Sarah S says:

    I am on the other side today, but the memory the fight is strong. Day by day. Hour by hour, it will get better. Depression tells you to retreat, but reaching out will keep you in the world. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you may be surprised what great place you end up!

  10. I wish I could shoulder this burden for you, just for a while, so that you could take a deep breath, get a good night sleep, and gain some strength before you rejoined the battle. I also wish that you could see yourself the way that I see you: as a talented, funny, open-hearted person who is so strong.
    If you need a place to hide out in, I have a room filled with books and cats. (And loud children, but I could find someplace for them to go.) You can hang out, I’ll compliment you profusely, and we’ll get ourselves some literature therapy.

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