I very easily, especially when I’m in it with depression, get caught up in if, then statements.
If I get the apartment clean, then I’ll keep it that way. Forever.
If I join the gym, then I’ll start working out again and reclaim a body I barely recognize.
If I lose weight then I can buy those boots I want.
If I write more on the blog then maybe I can start getting some paid writing gigs.
If the apartment is clean then I will organize all my paperwork.
If I get that sweater then my boobs will look fantastic.
If I see Breaking Dawn then I will go see it again. (Autowolves, roll out!)
If I can find a job then I can stop worrying about money every minute of every day.
Some of them are frivolous, some of them more heavy, but all of them boil down to one essential thing.
If I do/get/find/make/buy this, then I will be happy.
I have to work hard to be happy and these days it feels like I’m working too hard, for too little. I feel like I’m treading water. Logically I know this is the depression talking. Logically, I know I’m in it right now, and have been for awhile. Knowing it doesn’t make it any easier.
But maybe, if I write about this, then it will get a little easier.