The One About the Bugs Or Why I’m Cool with Mice

In high school we had a mouse in the school. Well to be fair, at that point the school was mostly surrounded by cornfields, so we probably had more than one. However, one day I walked into the journalism room to develop pictures only to find two boys standing on chairs. Have you ever seen a 17 year old boy terrified but trying to act manly? Maintain his rep? It’s one of my favorite memories. If you ever find yourself in a situation where this happens, pay close attention. God is giving you a gift.

I remember trying to hide my smile as I asked why they were standing on their chairs.

“Mouse!” There may have been voice squeaking. There was definitely frantic pointing.

Sure enough, there was a little gray mouse scurrying along the baseboards.

“Aww, GusGus!”

Two pairs of very confused eyes turned to me like I’d just gotten on all fours and scurried along the baseboards right along with GusGus.

GusGus ran into a hole in the wall, which lead to the dark room. I followed (Does it need to be said that I followed through the door, not the hole in the wall?). But not before I was stopped with, “Don’t go in there! It’s in there!”

I don’t remember my exact response. But, knowing me, it was probably along the lines of, “And? Unless he’s swimming in the stop bath, I think I”ll be okay.”

Then, this Friday night I looked down to see this asshole strutting across my floor.

Look at this GQ motherfucker, God damn

There was yelling. And screaming. And climbing on to the back of my couch. And yelling over gchat to KILL IT WITH FIRE OMG KILL IT. And more screaming. (It was 2am. My neighbors love me.)

Now, I live alone. In a building that was a newborn in the 1920s. The arches! The hardwood floor! The giant windows! Yeah, nobody tells you about the bugs. So very many bugs. I’m familiar with having to kill the bugs. Because if I don’t? No one else will.

So, after I was done screaming. I put on my big girl pants, climbed down from the couch and…grabbed my camera.

I’m sorry. But this thing was STRUTTING people. It had so many legs in so many different sizes that it was strutting. And it’s spotted! IT’S BIG ENOUGH TO HAVE SPOTS. And so help me, I was going to get photographic evidence of it so I could find out what it was and hunt down all of its loved ones and kill anyone it ever cared about. Also? It stopped to pose. Long enough for me to take a picture with my phone and my camera.

Eventually, it knew its time was up and tried to run away. It almost got away. But in the end, I won. And hey, guess what! THOSE LEGS DON’T NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO A BODY TO STILL TWITCH. JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.


The internets tell me this is a house centipede. It likes old houses. Um, I’m in a Apartminium, asshole. See yourself out. The internets also tell me it likes to eat bugs and will not bother me. And that its many legs make it very fast.

ORLY? How very helpful of you, Internets.

Well, let me tell you something, Internets. I would rather have 15 GusGuses running around the Apartminium. Because GusGus cannot suddenly be on my arm without my knowing. GusGus cannot hide under my pillow without my knowledge. GusGus doesn’t cause me to flinch every time I catch a dark spot or a piece of fluff out of the corner of my eye. I don’t feel like there are a thousand GusGuses crawling ALL OVER ME GET THEM OFF. GusGus I can keep track of!

If you need me, I’ll just be moving every piece of furniture in search of more strutting bugs to kill.


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