In Which I Use Far Too Many Shouty Capitals

*Leans down eye-level with blog. Blows dust off*

Huh. So, sorry about that. Real Life has been kicking my ass and calling me it’s bitch for the past couple months to the point where I’m all, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” Except that Real Life is most certainly a ma’am because only females are this creative with their torture.

But we’re going to skip over Real Life Issues ZOMG, because at this point you wouldn’t even believe me if I tried to tell you, and we’re going to get to the important stuff. Vampire Diaries recaps.

So, break out your swiffers and let’s do this.

Previously on The Dead & The Horny (aka: I’m skipping the last 4 episodes that I missed and starting with episode 11, Bloodlines, so let’s do a mini-cap, shall we?): Damon’s evil plot to bring Katherine back to life is revealed and then thwarted. Something involving a comet and the witches and a pact and the crystal and look, I don’t really remember, okay? A slew of vampires come into town and are killed INCLUDING THE BLOND CHICK WHO WAS STEFAN’S BEST FRIEND AND AWESOME. *ahem* New history teacher arrives. Something hinky this way comes. Elana confesses her love to Stefan, “Nothing can scare me away; I know what I want, blah, blah, blah, sex, sex, sex.” Unless, of course, she finds out that she looks exactly like his evil, vampire ex. In which case, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND LEAVE BEHIND YOUR VAMPIRE PROTECTING NECKLACE.

Aaaaand, we’re all caught up.

So we start with Elana upside down in her car because on her way out of dodge she hit a vampire (OF COURSE SHE DID). Not Boone saves her from the vampire road block and carries her off bridal style to kidnap her and take her to Georgia so he can go visit Zoë! Except that Zoë is actually Bree and she’s a witch.

Speaking of witches, Bonnie has lost her witchy way and can’t help Stefan check up on Elana. Grandma says she’s blocked and she goes to the tomb to unblock herself and falls through the ground and Stefan finds her and saves her and this whole storyline is boring the shit out of me.

Back at the high school (you know SCHOOL, where the teenagers usually go during the day) Jeremy meets a new girl and bless this poor little boy’s heart there is no way she’s just normal and human and interested in him. She’s very into helping him research his essay on the history of the town and it’s vampires. And lord help him if that girl’s ears didn’t perk up when he mentioned that he had his ancestor’s journal. As will New History Teacher’s in the next episode.

NHT also has a special ring, not unlike the Salvatore brother’s, but he’s not a vampire. But there’s something up with this dude. He’s obviously set on revenge against Damon (who killed his wife) but I’m not sure how the ring plays into it yet.

Back in Georgia Elana is attacked by a vampire but she’s just the decoy. Dude is after Damon for killing his girlfriend, Lexi (the aforementioned awesome blond chick). And he found the two of them via Bree. Hey thanks Bree. Elana and Damon live because uh, the season isn’t over yet, duh. But Bree doesn’t live because why would we want to keep any of the awesome characters around?

So now that the awesome character is dead and the plot points are out of the way Elana and Damon head back to Mystic Falls so she can yell at Stefan. You know what shuts her up? Telling her she’s adopted and that he saved her, at her father’s insistence, from the  car crash her parents died in.

HOSHIT.

Episode 12: Unpleasantville

Jeremy invites a pizza boy into the house and of course we all know this is going to end badly. Especially because he’s wearing the black boots and hoodie of DOOM that Elana and Stefan were just oh so casually chatting about that the vampire road block was wearing. That sentence makes no sense, but I’m too lazy to re-word it. Bygones.

In other news it’s time to sing the doom song: DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM.

Boring things happen with Elana’s ex and Caroline.

Former football star moves back into town and start hitting on Bonnie. This can’t be good.

Elana receives  a series of creepy Scream-style phone calls from the Road Block. In an effort to protect her Stefan gives back the compass that points due vampires.* Once it’s determined that pizza delivery boy is indeed Road Block the brother’s Salvatore decide he must die. Apparently in this land of vampires there are no take backs on the invite. Once they’re invited in it’s for good.

In a twist I think we all saw coming the cute girl talking up Jeremy turns out to be a vampire in cahoots (that’s right, cahoots) with Road Block and the former football star to get the diary from Jeremy, which is the key to letting Katherine and all the other vampires out of the tomb. Stefan kills Road Block after he goes after Elana (and after he and Damon torture him for answers in a scene that is disturbingly hot).

NHT whilst talking about his wife reveals that his wife may in fact have been the mystery girl who left a baby on Elana’s parent’s doorstep. Which means at the least his wife was related to Katherine and is Elana’s mom. Also begs the question as to whether NHT is the father or if it was someone else. Also also why did Damon kill her? Was he just thirsty? Since she appears to have a tie to Katherine I don’t buy that it was a random kill.

So the recaps are shortish, but give me a break I’m a little rusty. Tonight’s episode should hopefully come soonish.

*I will never, ever stop laughing at this.

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3 thoughts on “In Which I Use Far Too Many Shouty Capitals

  1. Jordyn says:

    A list of things:

    1. it’s about damn time.
    2. this is why we are friends
    3. I also take the swiffer comment as a dig @ Sarah & Me & our ineptness (is that a word? I just made it one…) to put together swiffers.
    4. The vampire compass is the dumbest. thing. ever. If there was such a thing, Buffy would’ve had one.
    5. I hate all this bs bout Elana being adopted & related to Kathrine. ITS NOT THAT WAY IN THE BOOKS!!! TY K. Will for ruining the great connection the show had with the books. Grrrr…. *pouts in corner*
    6. Lexie was awesome, I hate that they killed her. :o(

    Ok, that is all….

  2. Amanda says:

    I don’t know you and I don’t watch whatever show it is you’re talking about but this post is way too great to only have 2 comments. That’s how you judge your success as a blogger, right? I make my mom do comments on my blog so at least there’s always one, but since they’re always the same (“This was great, hon. You’re so creative. You get that from your father you know.”) it loses the luster at some point if you know what I mean. I actually did get my creativity from my father, along with my boobs. Honestly, if I showed you a picture of us both naked you’d be amazed at the similarity. Ok, this was not at all why I wanted to leave a comment. Just wanted to say you’re posts, including this one, make me laugh. Thanks for that.

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