What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE!

Okay, so, vampires bleed. I get it people, okay? The bled in Interview with a Vampire; the bled in True Blood; every vampire ever conceived bleeds (unless your marble, Adonis skin prevents your skin from even being pierced *ahem*). Look, it’s been awhile since I read Interview with a Vampire and I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me while reading/watching True Blood and I think that Twilight is eating my brain, guys. WHATEVER I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY? (see also, doesn’t like to be wrong. ever.)

Moving on.

I’m having issues, y’all. Because we’re on episode 5 and it still feels like we’re doing set up and placement and painting trees and guys don’t forget that we’ve got a dress rehearsal tonight and I have no idea where this is going other than to say BLAH.  Elana needs to figure out that Stefan is a vampire so that we can stop doing this awkward dance and really get going.  I am always impatient about this aspect of vampire stories, it should be noted.  Which is probably why I took such a shine to True Blood because bam! Bill walks in and Sookeh!’s all, “Sweet a vampire!”  None of this hmm, you sure are mysterious and pale and odd things seem to happen to you when you’re around blood and you’re ridiculously good at football/you sure are fast/sparkle when you’re in the sun/I only see you at night/my your teeth are pointy/hey what’s that ring do?  I feel like we’ve had a 5 hour long pilot and things can’t actually progress until Elana knows Stefan’s a vampire.  Right now all you’re doing is explaining things the viewing audience already knows.  So more with the finding out of things, less of the dragging out of things we know are going to happen.

Moving on…er.

I am 97.3% convinced that if I blog about it the CW will make it happen.  Except for the whole Salvatore brothers should be shirtless at all times thing.  But whatever.  I said I like mythology, I got mythology.  IT’S LIKE I WRITE ABOUT IT AND THEN IT HAPPENS.  Never you mind that these episodes were filmed months ago.  It doesn’t matter!

SO, we learned that if the vampires don’t feed they not only get weak, but their circulation slows (then stops (because THEY BLEED. I GET IT OKAY?)) and then they sort of shrivel and mummify themselves (neat!).  Stefan explained it all to Damon, who I’m fairly certain since he’s lying in the basement cell (what, your basement doesn’t have a cell? Weeeeeird) is pretty aware of how things work, with his shirt on adding, “Once your circulation stops I’ll move you to the family crypt and then in 50 years we can re-evaluate.” Oh Stefan, you so funny.  Now take off your shirt.

Guess who had a sleep over with Jeremy? Horse Face!  Guess who doesn’t care ’cause she knows better than to think that Horse Face smartened up?  This girl!

Elana pretends that she and Stefan are in a fight and it doesn’t matter because her life does not revolve around a guy.  Aw, that’s cute.  It lasts about 15 minutes until Stefan shows up in her kitchen making dinner, pronouncing mozzarella the way only assholes, 100 year old vampires and actual people living in Italy pronounce it: “mutzurella” and opens his heart right up to her without actually telling her anything.  Everything’s perfect, Stefan admitting to his love of garlic and Scorsese until Elana cuts her hand (of course she does) and Stefan’s eyes commence with the needing of blood and she sees in the reflection of the window and then it’s fine and she doesn’t find out and oh dear Jesus are you dizzy yet?  Round and round they go.

There’s a car wash in bikinis to raise money for the dead teacher?  Look, I don’t even know.  I do know that apparently Tanner was the only teacher at this school because we haven’t seen hide nor hair of a teacher since his death.  Cheerleading practice?  No teacher/coach.  Car wash to raise money for dead teacher that nobody liked?  No teachers.  I mean, I get that the story is about the kids and believe me I do not need superfluous teachers taking up screen time (unless they’re hot.  and shirtless.) but I’m just saying, if you’re going to be at school functions can’t you hire one adult extra in modest yet still stylish (this is the CW after all) clothes to wander through the scene every now and then?  The car wash basically goes thusly:

Elana: *Tries to sexily take off shirt*  *FAILS*

Damon: *Calls to Caroline from his cell*

Caroline: *Goes running*

Random Oldish Guy: Hey remember earlier when I said I thought I knew Stefan from 50 years ago? I really meant it.  Totally knew that dude.  Terrible about his uncle, no not Zach, JOESPH, getting mauled by a vampire wild animal and all.

Elana: Are we done visiting the department of back story?

Random Oldish Guy: But I thought you said you wanted more visits ther-

Elana: That is really not the point! Are you done?

Random Oldish Guy: *oldishsigh* Yes.

Elana: *Flees to go look up the story*

Bonnie: *Angrily glares at a puddle*

Puddle: *Bursts into flames*

Bonnie: HOSHIT!

Stefan: …yeah, that might be a problem.  Hey, you haven’t seen Elana or Caroline lately have you?  No? Huh, I’m sure that’s not worrisome at all.

Viewing Audience: *facepalm*

Something boring and predictable happens with Drug Face and Jeremy is heartbroken.

Determined to continue the predictable streak Caroline lets Damon out despite Zach’s best efforts to stop her. RIP Zach.

Daring to be slightly less predictable Damon feeds on Drug Face! *claps like a seal*  [Pleasebedeadpleasebedeadpleasebedead]

Heading straight back to predictability, right when Elana shows up at the Salvatore boarding house to confront Stefan (but not before she’s journaled that she doesn’t believe in vampires.  This is key.  ‘It’s not true! I won’t believe it! All signs point to vampires, but it can’t be true!’ Blah, blah, blah) he’s heading out the front door with a Wooden Stake of Great Justice.  AND SO HELP ME XENU IF IT TAKES THEM 41 OF NEXT WEEK’S 42 MINUTES TO GET AROUND TO ELANA FIGURING OUT THAT STEFAN IS A VAMPIRE I WILL DO THE ENTIRE RECAP IN CAPS LOCK AND NOBODY WANTS THAT!*

Nobody was shirtless the entire episode.  CW, you’re on notice.

*Uh, yeah.  That’s really the only threat I have.  So cross your fingers she finds out early.

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2 thoughts on “What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE!

  1. ohsweetsara says:

    You hit the nail on the head. I am so ready to know what the hell is going on. What happened back in 18?? or 1950-whatever? And what is with the creepy society of grown ups who are obviously too young to have been around in the 50’s?

    I love your reviews of this show. It makes watching it that much more enjoyable.

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