Vampires Don’t Bleed I Don’t Care What You Say. No I’m Not Moving On. Everyone Knows They Don’t Bleed. Seriously. They Don’t Bleed. Not Even A Little. UPDATE: Apparently They Do. My Bad.

This episode both frustrated me and made me clap my hands and bark like a seal which is apparently what I do when I’m happy now.  Frustrated because even though we’re only on episode four they’ve been dancing around the Very Band thing that happened and I am impatient dear god just tell me what it was!  Besides being impatient I also happen to think that the  mythology of a show is generally the most interesting part.  Which is why it comes as no surprise that I love scifi (tons of mythology, sitcoms not so much) and shows like Lost (all mythology) and Fringe.  However, while I looove  mythology and back story I realize that the majority of the viewing audience does not.  I also realize that we’re only on episode four, but combined with my impatience this whole we’re not going to talk about the Very Bad thing that happened, we’re just going to allude to the Very Bad thing that happened and when we do bring up the Very Bad thing that happened we’re not going to tell you anything at all except that it was Very Bad and that it happened! makes me a little stabby.

So, Damon teaches Stefan a lesson about not eating the mundanes by giving him a bad dream.  Stefan responds by throwing a letter opener at his heart and OMG HE’S BLEEDING, WTF CW?  Vampires?  Do not bleed*.  Period.  The end.  No Mas.  Damon returns the letter opener to Stefan by shoving it in his chest and HE BLEEDS TOO.  That sound you just heard?  My head exploding.  Gah.  Also, CW this was a complete missed opportunity because had the Salvatore brothers been shirtless during this scene I might not have been so focused on the fact that they were bleeding.  I’m just saying.

While heavily making out  with Elana, Stefan catches a glimpse of himself in her mirror and sees that his eyes are doing that weird, veiny need blood nao thing that they do.  Ignoring the fact that Stefan practically flew off her mid kiss because he desperately needed to tie his shoe Elana invites him to the Founders Party.  He says something along the lines of, “the Salvatores don’t get invited anymore” and it sounds quite a lot like, “The Cullens don’t come here” and that my friends is how you, post by post, diligently work Twilight into every single thing you write.**  You’re welcome.

Cut to Damon reading Twilight while Caroline tries on dresses for the Founders Party wherein he slams Edward for being whipped and laments about missing Anne Rice.  Best exchange of the episode?

Caroline: How come you don’t sparkle?
Damon: Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.

And then he waves his ring around stating that it protects him from the burning, “long story”. Oh really? Long story huh? Like maybe we could get a little background on it? Like maybe now would be the perfect time for a trip down mythology lane? *sigh* Sadly, no. But we do learn that in this world turning into a vampire is much more complicated than just a bite. Noted.

There’s a fantastically creepy scene where with Damon on top of her Caroline asks if he’s going to kill her. There’s a twinge of awareness but it’s also stated very matter of factly. She doesn’t blink twice when he confirms that yes he will, just not yet. There’s just something so creepy about how close they are, how intimate and this sliver of awareness, of acceptance that the person she’s entwined with is going to kill her.

In other news, Horse Face doesn’t like it that what’s his face (seriously I don’t remember his name and I’m not looking it up because I hate these two with the fire of a thousand suns) treats her like trash and blah, blah, blah richest family in town blah, blah, blah I don’t treat you like trash blah, blah, blah I’m not going to actually introduce the waitress to my family blah, blah, blah I don’t care.  Less of these two.  More of the Salvatore brothers with their shirts off.

*claps like a seal* Guess who’s shirtless? Guess who’s shirtless? *claps like a seal* Damon! And Stefan’s in a tank top!  Okay look, it really doesn’t take a lot to make me happy and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m only watching this show for the deeper moral meaning.  Hell no, I’m watching this show for the pretty, pretty vampires. Shirts off, boys!  Tank topped Stefan is buffing his shoes and oh so casually sipping scotch and shirtless Damon tells Stefan, who is still tank topped and casually sipping scotch that for sure doesn’t have any of that Herb of Stay The Fuck Away From Me in it that their nephew Zach has been secretly growing in the basement, no siree not at all, that, “You’re dead dude.  Get over it.”  Stefan’s all, whatever dude I’m just casually sipping my scotch maybe you should have some.  Because seriously, it does NOT have any Herb of Stay The Fuck Away From Me in it that would seriously cripple you enough that I could kill you if I wanted.  Nope, not even a little bit.

It totally does.

Damon doesn’t fall for it either.  But Stefan claims it was all part of his diabolic plan because now Damon will never suspect that Stefan will try and poison him again so soon.  Which he does by putting the herb in Caroline’s drink so that when Damon feeds on her Bad Things happen.  Bad Things that enable to Stefan to lay the hammer down on who exactly will be running things from now on.  Bam, said the lady!***

But before that happens and, speaking of Bad Things, we take a quick trip to the department of back story to find out how Katherine died.  Turns out she was a union sympathizer and was rounded up with other like minded individuals and the church (I think it was a church?) was burned to the ground.  While this satisfied the mythology craving monster in me somewhat, this is still not the Bad Thing that happened that the town is still recovering from.  My guess is that crazy with rage and anger that their beloved was just burned alive the Salvatore family exacted their revenge in the form of a giant Mystic Falls buffet, all you can eat style.

Damon also steals back an Amulet of Ambiguous Importance that he stowed in the house eons ago.  Do we know what it does?  Of course not.  But I feel like it must tie into the fact that the 4 mundanes gathered together at the end of the episode declaring, “The vampires are back” seem quite disappointed that they still don’t have Elana and Jeremy’s father’s pocket watch.  Not sure what the pocket watch does but I feel like the Amulet of Ambiguous Importance (that Caroline is now in possession of) might counteract whatever it is that it does?  I DON’T KNOW.   *sigh*

Next week: less shirts!

*UPDATE: Sooo, someone pointed out to me that vampires do bleed in True Blood and.  Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but she’s right.  While I don’t remember them so much bleeding when wounded I do know that both Bill and Eric give Sookeh! their blood, so obviously if they were, say, stabbed with a letter opener they would bleed. And it totally doesn’t bother me while I’m watching True Blood.  So, I will stop bitching about this now.  Carry on.

**Truth be told, I’m not actively trying to bring up Twilight at every pass.  It’s just that there’s so many similarities.  And with New Moon around the corner it’s fair to say I’m a wee bit excited and thus it’s on my brain more.

***If you get this reference without having to look it up?  You have a special place in my heart and let’s be friends!

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7 thoughts on “Vampires Don’t Bleed I Don’t Care What You Say. No I’m Not Moving On. Everyone Knows They Don’t Bleed. Seriously. They Don’t Bleed. Not Even A Little. UPDATE: Apparently They Do. My Bad.

  1. jordyn says:

    I know you’ve already admitted Vampires bleed… But for another example: on buffy when spike was reviving drucilla they needed angel’s blood to bring her to full strength. They tied them together & drove a spike through their hands & there was def. blood.

  2. ohsweetsara says:

    Great review! I love this show. I’m totally with you on the need for a back story I can’t take all the eluding and not giving specifics.

    I know very little about twilight (and being a huge Buffy/Angel fan I think I might not like it), but do they really “sparkle” in the sunlight?

    I just found your blog today and so far I love it. I will definitely be coming back.

    • Ah yes, they do really sparkle. And in the movie wind chimes play, it’s AMAZING.

      Also, if you’re curious about the books but not up to actually reading them I highly suggest Cleolinda’s recaps. Hilarious, informative and she says everything I was thinking, but…well, better.

  3. Jordyn says:

    First, sorry about my first comment’s random wrong punctuation. I was on my blackberry, at work… and it looked like a post for my online class… *rolls eyes* OK, so, most importantly I agree… LESS SHIRTS!!! Obvi. The most important thing that is driving me nuts is the lack of back story as well… so much, that I went out and bought the book, the combo with books 1&2, and have been reading it at work. I haven’t gotten far enough to answer my questions yet. But, have gotten far enough in to be annoyed by the things that are different on TV than in the book. The book of course is way better. However, I will continue to watch for the hotness & hold out hope for more shirtlessness :o) Can’t wait til tonight. Oh, and you realize your party next week is on Thursday, coincidence? Is it jewelry & vampire diaries party? Cause I’m definitely in.

  4. I remember a lot of bleeding vampires in the “Interview with a Vampire” series… Just sayin.

    I loved that you were clapping like a seal. That totally cracked me up.

    • *SIGH* I know, I know, I know. I have no idea why I seemed to have blocked out every instance of bleeding Vampires. I blame Twilight. It’s taken over my brain.

      I also I have no idea why I’ve turned into Paula Abdul (re: clapping like a seal). I’m not sure how I can blame that on Twilight, but don’t you fret, I’ll find a way.

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