I am a vampire fan from way back. And by way back I mean like, 1995. You know, back before Twilight made teenage girls start shouting, always shouting, OME and my girlcrush on Kristen Stewart firmly established itself. Oh you didn’t know? Vampires existed before Twilight. No, I’m not shitting you. Stay with me. There’s Anne Rice, of course, and you know Dracula and The Vampire Diaries and True Blood were written before Edward was even a sparkle in Stephenie Meyer’s dream. Hell, even Byron was writing about vampires as far back as 1813 in his poem The Giaour (See? I TOLD you an English degree was good for something!) Buffy fan?* Oh yes, I worship at the house of Whedon. In high school we had 90210 night and Buffy night. But before Buffy, or Sookeh!, or Elana, or Bella there was Sita. I have read Christopher Pike’s The Last Vampire series too many times to count. Most of those times between the years 1996-2003, but my point is it is really not much of a stretch for me to watch Vampire Diaries. Okay, it’s not a stretch at all. I’m not exerting myself in the least. I haven’t read these books yet, but I knew I was going to at least give the show a chance because, Hi my name is Shireen and I like vampires.
TV show pilots are difficult because you’ve got to introduce/define about 10 characters and set up the storyline and also, you know, not be boring as fuck. I am finding it just as difficult to recap/snark on it. That and I deleted the pilot off my dvr and am now having to switch between tabs while I watch it on my computer. My mother (MOM) does this thing when she’s not confident in something she’s cooked and she’ll set it on the table going “I couldn’t really find the ingredients I wanted and this isn’t what I started out to make and I think I dropped some toenail clippings in accidentally, but I didn’t have time to make anything else and it’s probably not very good, but ENJOY.” Way to sell it, MOM. This is what I’m doing now. It’s a pilot and those are HARD and I don’t have it on my tv and I have to watch on my computer, SOB, and I think I dropped some toenail clippings in accidentally and it probably sucks, but ENJOY!
So, let’s get the boring stuff out of the way. ROLE CALL! Elana Gilbert, protagonist, lives in Mystic Falls (OF COURSE SHE DOES), parents died in a car crash 4 months ago while she was in the car(!!), older sister to Jeremy, likes to journal while sitting in the cemetery, not at all creepy. Jeremy, little brother, emo stoner, in love with
horse face Vicki. Aunt Jenna, sole guardian to the remaining Gilbert children, approximately 2 days older than Elana, scatterbrained, but we’re supposed to love her for it? and did I mention she looks like she barely older than Elana? Bonnie, best friend, possible psychic/witch, predicted Obama and Heath Ledger, prone to driving into birds. Caroline, token ditzy blonde friend, likes to talk about Elana like she’s not standing right in front of her, potential to be my comic relief for the season if she doesn’t get too whiny about Elana getting everything she (both Elana and Caroline) wants. Matt Donovan, ex to Elana, still not over her, jock, boring as all get out. Vicki Donovan, sister to Matt, face like a horse, wants to be in an abusive relationship (not with Jeremy), I have no patience for her. Stefan Salvatore, vampire good guy, doesn’t feed on humans, in love with Elana because she looks like his ex who was alive in the 1864-ish area, prone to being creepy as fuck. Boone! Damon Salvatore, vampire bad boy, older brother to Stefan, here to make Stefan’s life hell, totally feeds on the mundanes, prone to being the best character on this show.
Parenthetical aside: I don’t know what it is with vampire stories, but the female protagonist, at least as of late, is always Mary Sue. Bella Swan? Classic Mary Sue. Sookeh! Stackhouse? Mary Sue-ish. Elana Gilbert? Exhibiting some serious Mary Sue qualities. I suppose it’s a given when you have what’s supposed to be the most perfect, handsome creature on the planet falling in love with an “average” girl…I don’t really have a point here. /parenthetical aside.
The town as a whole seems to have this idea that four months is plenty of time for Elana (and Jenna and Jeremy) to have gotten over the fact that she walked away from a car crash her parents didn’t survive. People, that is not enough time, are you kidding me?! I don’t even know how to wrap my head around that, but they keep bringing it up. No you are not fine. No you should not be fine. Jesus. MOM and the Paranoid Persian can never, EVER die. You hear me? Never, ever.
Stefan totally galmours/dazzles (heretofore known as dazzmouring (What? If you have something better I’d like to hear it.)) his way into Mystic Falls High and almost all of Elana’s classes. Stefan, I have someone I’d like you to meet. I think you’re going to have a lot in common. While Stefan and Elana pass furtive glances in history (oh get it? ‘Case Stefan is old so we can totally find out his background in this class. Smooth move CW.) Bonnie texts Elana during class and could you please get my slippers and shawl because I feel 80. What happened to passing notes? You know, pen to paper. The thrill of passing through half the class before it gets to its intended target all without the teacher catching you! My friends and I had entire notebooks we would pass back and forth between classes. *Sigh*
Stefan makes a habit out of just showing up out of nowhere so when Elana opens a door/turns around/looks out her window she’s all, HOSHIT! where did you come from?! and he’s all, I was totally about to knock/didn’t you hear me walk up/No, I haven’t been standing outside your house for hours looking into your window, why do you ask? And somewhere Edward Cullen is smacking his forehead because dude, you’re not supposed to let her see you being creepy!
There are 83 separate references to the fact that Stefan has come back to Mystic Falls, that Mystic Falls isn’t like it used to be, some people still remember, something Not Good happened way back when, etc. Know where we find out a little bit more about it?
I See What You Did Thar History class.
At the back to school party Stefan and Elana bond, Bonnie has a vision, Stefan shoots down Caroline, “you and me? It’s not going to happen” (hee!), Horse Face’s boyfriend tries to force himself on her but it’s totes okay ’cause he’s drunk. Jeremy disagrees. Oh and Horse Face gets attacked by an animal…that only has two pointy teeth and drained her of a significant amount of blood. Yeah, an animal that’s it. Whatever, they were playing the White Lies during this scene so I was too busy dancing to pay attention. Later at the hospital she says a vampire attacked. You’re supposed to be shocked here, I think.
Ominous crow is ominous and creeping fog is creeping and turns out they’re
Boone’s Damon’s little parlor tricks that he can do because he feeds on the mundanes. Neat. Now take off your shirt.
After much posturing, fighting and stealing of magic sun rings Damon promises he is going to make good on the whole an eternity of suckitude thing he promised Stefan eons ago.
This recap is 18 different kinds of disorganized and ridiculously long and I’d apologize, but you know what? I pulled a Byron reference out of my brain for you people that I didn’t even know was in there! So,
suck it please please come back to read the next one?
*Please, I am not linking to Buffy. If you don’t know who Buffy the Vampire Slayer is then a: I feel sorry for you and 2: please direct yourself to the nearest Blockbuster, library or Hulu.