Oh True Blood producers, I’m on to you. Trying to distract us with Evan Rachel Wood as Sophie-Anne giving new meaning to the phrase “eating out” right off the bat. And Jason running into a tree! Oh Jason Stackhouse (sing it if you know the words) you stupid, sexy motherfucker. Never change. Never, ever.
Oh TBP, may I call you TBP? Did you really think with the girl on girl blood drinking and Bill’s marginally(!!) better hair and the Viking in a suit (unf)
and Bella’s busted ass wig and the pretty boy running into trees and whining about how he works out hard and watches porn to learn stuff that I wouldn’t notice that this episode was about fuck all? No seriously, the plot (you remember the plot, yes?) advancement was so infinitesimal that I was literally shouting at my tv last night. We learned how to kill Mary-Anne. THAT WAS ALL. Do you know what I had planned to title this post after last week’s ended? “Shit Just Got Real Up in Bon Temps, Y’all”
It did not get real, y’all.
Some highlights from the oh my god superfluous episode:
Tara acted like a damn fool and the only good thing I got out of this storyline was my Viking in a flowered shirt and denim skirt wielding a shotgun. Viking in a flowered shirt. It. was. AHSUM. Tara also ran right back to Mary-Anne to rescue Eggs and SHOCKING! it’s all Tara’s fault that Mary-Anne is in Bon Temps and oh also? She’s back to sporting the black eyes and breaking shit with Eggs. Hey, at least they’re not beating each other up anymore. Also, if you didn’t see that coming I’ve got some real estate to sell you. Also, also when Mary-Anne gets angry she makes a noise like a million baby eels crying. Or what I imagine that would sound like. I’ve not spent a vast amount of time around crying baby eels. See also: nails on a chalkboard.
WTF GIANT EGG IN A NEST?
Lafayette and Sookeh! discovered that they both are having sexy, sexy dreams about the Viking ALONG WITH 90% OF TRUE BLOOD VIEWERS.
Sam threw out the word imprint when describing how he shape shifts and a million Twilighters could be heard going, “Umm…, Sam? That word? I do not think it means what you think it means…“*
Eric meets Arlene’s kids and calls them cute, “like teacup humans” and I will now be calling all the little ones in my life teacup humans.
Aaaaand the quote!
Despite the pointlessness of this episode I still managed to find a quote. Remarkable, I know. Bill, replying to Sophie-Anne’s pre-yahtzee snack’s offer of “I will have the sex with you”:
“That will not be neccessarahy”
Oh, Billy Compton.
Runners up, honorable mentions and participation ribbons:
Tara to her momma: “That’s Satan in your motherfucking Sunday hat.”
Jason: “And that’s in the Bible. Or the constitution.”
Sophie-Anne to Bill when he rushes off after hearing Eric has arrived: “This alpha male posturing. You two really should just fuck each other and get it over with. I could watch.” ME TOO! ME TOO!
So, what was your quotable quote? And jaysus, but we have to wait 2 weeks until the finale?
*Why yes, I did just throw a Princess Bride quote in right next to a Twilight reference that’s inside a True Blood recap. It’s like an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, surrounded by conundrum wherein the enigma is the best movie EVER, the mystery is actually a sparklepire, and the conundrum is a thousand-mumble-year old Viking vampire.