Stagnant

Lately, I feel like I’m stuck. Physically, emotionally, creatively. I’m stuck. I’m in a cycle that I desperately want out of, but nothing seems to work. If you look back at my life five years ago I was in the same position. Alone. Stuck in a job that I wasn’t invested in, killing myself at that job so I could pay bills, too tired to do anything but that job and every day that went by without picking up my camera or writing chipped away at my…me. And they’re all excuses. If you really love something, you’ll find a way. But when I’m depressed I take away the things I love. Not consciously, but bit by bit it gets harder. The voice in my head telling me why bother? It’s not going to amount to anything anyway.

I’m looking around at my life and, I’m wondering why? If this is it; if working jobs I don’t love and barely being able to pay my bills isΒ  it? If I’m going to spend this completely unremarkable life alone, if I’m not going to be able to share my life with someone, then what’s the point? I want so much more. I need so much more, but I’m not sure I can get it. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe all the time I’ve spent with my head in a book reading about fantastic lives and loves and travels has skewed my expectations. I wish so much that being healthy and having amazing friends and family were enough.

Life would be so different if I wasn’t carrying around this constant weight of more. But it’s there. And it’s been pressing on me for so long I’ve stopped moving. Even the smallest of steps feels insurmountable. And I’m trying to be okay with what I’ve had. Accept that not everyone gets what they need. That part of being human is failing and falling and doing without.

It’s just not enough.

 

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10 thoughts on “Stagnant

  1. I’m not a very good problem-solver, but I’m good at sending warm loving thoughts. So I will do that. Also, I think you’re pretty neat.

  2. Ditto what Katie said. And I completely empathize with the feeling that even the smallest of steps can seem too far or not worth the effort at times. I adore you, though. If you ever feel like taking a few steps north, Elena and I would love to hang out with you.

  3. I think you’re pretty great and I only “know” you from the interwebz!

    I really wish I knew what to say that could really make you feel so much better. I understand the feeling of wanting more and I think that’s natural. My perspective has recently changed so I’m really loving what I have so much that the more is coming to me easier than I realized. I’m not sure that makes sense to you but it made sense in head.

    I hope it helps knowing that someone from TX appreciates you and wants to send hugs and cupcakes. =)

  4. Wish I had some wonderful solution, but instead I’ll offer you much love & hugs. I know you’re an incredible person, and I’m glad we’ve become friends. And anytime you want to venture out for sushi, just say the word… xoxo

  5. I hate that feeling of stuck. The same old routine is wearing. Sometimes even the smallest of steps does help. I try to focus on what I can do to move the direction I want to go or what I can control even if it isn’t exactly what I want – sometimes it is simply something different or something good that keeps it going until the next thing that feels like things are actually moving forward. (((hugs)))

  6. Feeling stuck is no fun- I can’t help but think that once spring has sprung for good, things will look up. But I do know the feeling of this is it? what’s the point, really?and I know that friends and baby steps can help. Sending hugs and I hope our paths cross soon.

  7. Feeling stuck is no fun- I can’t help but think that once spring has sprung for good, things will look up. But I do know the feeling of this is it? what’s the point, really?and I know that friends and baby steps can help. Sending hugs and I hope our paths cross soon.

  8. One foot in front of the other sweet friend. Sink your worries into some Zumba & yoga. Fix your favorite hot beverage and savor it a bit. Brian always recommends the book 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller when folks are in career struggles. I haven’t read it but I do trust his opinion. Sigh. Do know these truths: You are loved. You are valuable. You make the world a better place. I can attest to all of the above with fervent passion. :)

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