Things have settled since yesterday, as I knew they would. Which is not to say that all those feelings are gone. They’re certainly not. But they’re back in their boxes. Back to being small, manageable bites.
Someone mentioned recently that what I share in this space is entirely too personal to be shared with everyone. And to a certain extent, they’re right. Blogging, if you’re doing it right, is extremely personal. Everyone has different levels on the personal blogging spectrum that they’re comfortable sharing. I’m more than okay sharing about my struggles with depression. It’s not a cry for help and it’s not a passive aggressive ploy to make you tell me how wonderful and lovely and special I am. (Stay tuned for my memoir, The Most Specialist Snowflake.) It’s what I’m going through at the moment. (It’s also only a fraction of what’s going on in my life.) I’ll gladly talk to you about it in person too. I spent a very long time trying to hide it. But all that did was make me miserable. As cliche as it may be, if even one person reads something I’ve written and discovers that they’re not alone in their feelings, then I am more than happy to share.
I also LIKE sharing. While I love writing & I will write whether anyone is reading or not, I also like the stage aspect of blogging. I like that I can share what’s going on with me and have other people read it. I like that by doing so I’m creating my own microcosm community.
I know that by doing this I’m making my life a little harder. I’m lucky enough that one of my employers is knowledgeable and understanding enough that this blog doesn’t cause any problems. If I were to ever leave that job I might not be so lucky. I know that I’m visible enough that if someone I were dating wanted to find this before I shared it with them, they could. I know that seeing some of my deepest struggles right up front can be off-putting.
I can only hope that they know that my depression does not define me. It is not all that I am. What I share in this space is not the sum of my parts, but only a fraction. I am depression and anxiety and loneliness. But I’m also joy and laughter and stubborn and shy and introverted and curious and wanderlust and nerdy and a fangirl and sarcasm and a hundred thousand other things, some of which I’m still figuring out. But depression is not all that I see. I can only hope they can see that too.