In Which The Plot Deigns To Show Up

This recap is woefully late.  Which, you know, you’ll have.  Remember how I was all, “I’m going to do a weekly recap and that’s totally make me want to write about stuff actually happening in my life and such and lo, it will be wondrous!“?  So six weeks later that’s worked out pretty well.  Now, before you roll your eyes at me (and I couldn’t even type that without rolling my eyes) let me at least say that I do have two different posts in the works.  One of which is acting like a little bitch.  I’ve been wrestling with it for weeks so I finally just had to give it the stink eye and take a step back muttering, “Just you wait…” under my breath.  And the other post, well every time I try and sit down to write the kid at Yats breaks out his trumpet, or the dog next door starts barking, or the asshats with their crotch rockets decided to rev on by, or an ambulance/fire truck takes it’s sweet ass time passing my building with its siren on, or my downstairs neighbor is watching an action movie at top level and my floor shakes every time something blows up (a lot) which all leads to me yelling, “I’M TRYING TO ART OVER HERE, GUYS!”  All of which, I’m fairly certain, if you put it all together spells procrastination.

Onwards!

Guess who finally decided to show up?  The plot.  Hey there little guy; so nice of you to finally join us.  What’s that?  Oh no, it hasn’t been terribly boring over here for the last 5 episodes at all.  Okay, that’s not fair.   It’s not so much been boring, as…well, slow.  Meandering.  Round-about fun?  But this episode? This episode, things finally got good.  Not only did Elana finally clue-in to the fact that Stefan’s a vampire, but we also, again finally, got the Katherine backstory (which, well done there because I did NOT see that coming) and we got Old!Stefan, which technically would actually be Young!Stefan and Young!Damon, which essentially amounts to bad hair and suspenders.

So, the confrontation: Stefan’s rushing out with the Wooden Stake of Great Justice to stop Damon and Elana’s on his front door determined to find out the truth.  They have a conversation that might be a wee bit familiar to some of you* and we learn that vampires really like it when you say their name, bitch that they’re vampires.  Insistent on it, even.  We also learn that Elana has appropriate reactions and is scared shitless, whereas Bella was all, “Vampires are hot! Can we do it now?”.  Also, protip for Stefan, magically appearing in front her/in her room?  Probably not going to make her less freaked out.  Just saying.

Elana agrees to meet with Stefan and they have the classic Dispel all Vampire Myths conversation.  Garlic?  No biggie.  Holy water?  Drinkable.  Crucifix?  Pretties.  No reflection? Dude, have you seen me? I’m too pretty not to have a reflection.  Stefan also mentions something about “mind compulsion” which, dude, the correct terminology is dazzmourizing.  You’re welcome.  He begs Elana not to tell anyone about him and to give him until the end of the day to prove he’s totes lovable.  Whatever, like we all don’t know they’ll be back together within two episodes, three max.

So, with the flashbacks we learn that Young!Stefan and Young!Damon used to be best friends.  Katherine was kinda a ho.  Also, a vampire.  She turned both brothers, dazzmourizing them into not telling the other.  When she chose Young!Stefan over Young!Damon a grudge was born.  Thanks lady.

Drug Face is dead! Yay! Wait, she’s not dead? Boo.  But at least Damon’s got his shirt unbuttoned.  And we’ve got a dancing montage, which are, let’s face it, always fun.  *NECKSNAP DEATHBREAK* SHE’S DEAD!  Ain’t no way she survived that!  Holy fuck, she’s not dead?  You have GOT to be kidding me.  I 110% guarantee that I am not going to like this chick anymore as a vampire than I did when she was human.  Fuck.

So the big deal with the watch was the it turns into a compass that points due Vampire? Seriously?  No north, just VAMPIRE?  Oh, that is-  that is just-  DUE VAMPIRE?

I don’t have anymore words about that.

For about .10 seconds I actually believed Stefan was going to die.  And then I came to my senses and was all, whatever like you’d really do it.  So, Sookeh! will be along any moment to suck out the bullet, yes?**

So, in the end Elana agrees to keep Stefan’s secret but she can’t be with him because HE’S A MONSTER.  That voice you heard was Edward Cullen going, “SEE, Bella!  SEE!  I told you!  I so told I was monster!  Skin of a KILLLLLLERRRRRR!”***

*Look, I was actually aiming not to have a Twilight reference in this recap, but I can’t NOT compare those two scenes.  Seriously, the only difference is one conversation happens on a porch and the other in the woods.

**I mean at this point there’s no reason NOT to bring in True Blood.

***I have zero shame about this one.

What Are You? HE’S A VAMPIRE! DEAR GOD HE’S A VAMPIRE!

Okay, so, vampires bleed. I get it people, okay? The bled in Interview with a Vampire; the bled in True Blood; every vampire ever conceived bleeds (unless your marble, Adonis skin prevents your skin from even being pierced *ahem*). Look, it’s been awhile since I read Interview with a Vampire and I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me while reading/watching True Blood and I think that Twilight is eating my brain, guys. WHATEVER I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY? (see also, doesn’t like to be wrong. ever.)

Moving on.

I’m having issues, y’all. Because we’re on episode 5 and it still feels like we’re doing set up and placement and painting trees and guys don’t forget that we’ve got a dress rehearsal tonight and I have no idea where this is going other than to say BLAH.  Elana needs to figure out that Stefan is a vampire so that we can stop doing this awkward dance and really get going.  I am always impatient about this aspect of vampire stories, it should be noted.  Which is probably why I took such a shine to True Blood because bam! Bill walks in and Sookeh!’s all, “Sweet a vampire!”  None of this hmm, you sure are mysterious and pale and odd things seem to happen to you when you’re around blood and you’re ridiculously good at football/you sure are fast/sparkle when you’re in the sun/I only see you at night/my your teeth are pointy/hey what’s that ring do?  I feel like we’ve had a 5 hour long pilot and things can’t actually progress until Elana knows Stefan’s a vampire.  Right now all you’re doing is explaining things the viewing audience already knows.  So more with the finding out of things, less of the dragging out of things we know are going to happen.

Moving on…er.

I am 97.3% convinced that if I blog about it the CW will make it happen.  Except for the whole Salvatore brothers should be shirtless at all times thing.  But whatever.  I said I like mythology, I got mythology.  IT’S LIKE I WRITE ABOUT IT AND THEN IT HAPPENS.  Never you mind that these episodes were filmed months ago.  It doesn’t matter!

SO, we learned that if the vampires don’t feed they not only get weak, but their circulation slows (then stops (because THEY BLEED. I GET IT OKAY?)) and then they sort of shrivel and mummify themselves (neat!).  Stefan explained it all to Damon, who I’m fairly certain since he’s lying in the basement cell (what, your basement doesn’t have a cell? Weeeeeird) is pretty aware of how things work, with his shirt on adding, “Once your circulation stops I’ll move you to the family crypt and then in 50 years we can re-evaluate.” Oh Stefan, you so funny.  Now take off your shirt.

Guess who had a sleep over with Jeremy? Horse Face!  Guess who doesn’t care ’cause she knows better than to think that Horse Face smartened up?  This girl!

Elana pretends that she and Stefan are in a fight and it doesn’t matter because her life does not revolve around a guy.  Aw, that’s cute.  It lasts about 15 minutes until Stefan shows up in her kitchen making dinner, pronouncing mozzarella the way only assholes, 100 year old vampires and actual people living in Italy pronounce it: “mutzurella” and opens his heart right up to her without actually telling her anything.  Everything’s perfect, Stefan admitting to his love of garlic and Scorsese until Elana cuts her hand (of course she does) and Stefan’s eyes commence with the needing of blood and she sees in the reflection of the window and then it’s fine and she doesn’t find out and oh dear Jesus are you dizzy yet?  Round and round they go.

There’s a car wash in bikinis to raise money for the dead teacher?  Look, I don’t even know.  I do know that apparently Tanner was the only teacher at this school because we haven’t seen hide nor hair of a teacher since his death.  Cheerleading practice?  No teacher/coach.  Car wash to raise money for dead teacher that nobody liked?  No teachers.  I mean, I get that the story is about the kids and believe me I do not need superfluous teachers taking up screen time (unless they’re hot.  and shirtless.) but I’m just saying, if you’re going to be at school functions can’t you hire one adult extra in modest yet still stylish (this is the CW after all) clothes to wander through the scene every now and then?  The car wash basically goes thusly:

Elana: *Tries to sexily take off shirt*  *FAILS*

Damon: *Calls to Caroline from his cell*

Caroline: *Goes running*

Random Oldish Guy: Hey remember earlier when I said I thought I knew Stefan from 50 years ago? I really meant it.  Totally knew that dude.  Terrible about his uncle, no not Zach, JOESPH, getting mauled by a vampire wild animal and all.

Elana: Are we done visiting the department of back story?

Random Oldish Guy: But I thought you said you wanted more visits ther-

Elana: That is really not the point! Are you done?

Random Oldish Guy: *oldishsigh* Yes.

Elana: *Flees to go look up the story*

Bonnie: *Angrily glares at a puddle*

Puddle: *Bursts into flames*

Bonnie: HOSHIT!

Stefan: …yeah, that might be a problem.  Hey, you haven’t seen Elana or Caroline lately have you?  No? Huh, I’m sure that’s not worrisome at all.

Viewing Audience: *facepalm*

Something boring and predictable happens with Drug Face and Jeremy is heartbroken.

Determined to continue the predictable streak Caroline lets Damon out despite Zach’s best efforts to stop her. RIP Zach.

Daring to be slightly less predictable Damon feeds on Drug Face! *claps like a seal*  [Pleasebedeadpleasebedeadpleasebedead]

Heading straight back to predictability, right when Elana shows up at the Salvatore boarding house to confront Stefan (but not before she’s journaled that she doesn’t believe in vampires.  This is key.  ‘It’s not true! I won’t believe it! All signs point to vampires, but it can’t be true!’ Blah, blah, blah) he’s heading out the front door with a Wooden Stake of Great Justice.  AND SO HELP ME XENU IF IT TAKES THEM 41 OF NEXT WEEK’S 42 MINUTES TO GET AROUND TO ELANA FIGURING OUT THAT STEFAN IS A VAMPIRE I WILL DO THE ENTIRE RECAP IN CAPS LOCK AND NOBODY WANTS THAT!*

Nobody was shirtless the entire episode.  CW, you’re on notice.

*Uh, yeah.  That’s really the only threat I have.  So cross your fingers she finds out early.

Vampires Don’t Bleed I Don’t Care What You Say. No I’m Not Moving On. Everyone Knows They Don’t Bleed. Seriously. They Don’t Bleed. Not Even A Little. UPDATE: Apparently They Do. My Bad.

This episode both frustrated me and made me clap my hands and bark like a seal which is apparently what I do when I’m happy now.  Frustrated because even though we’re only on episode four they’ve been dancing around the Very Band thing that happened and I am impatient dear god just tell me what it was!  Besides being impatient I also happen to think that the  mythology of a show is generally the most interesting part.  Which is why it comes as no surprise that I love scifi (tons of mythology, sitcoms not so much) and shows like Lost (all mythology) and Fringe.  However, while I looove  mythology and back story I realize that the majority of the viewing audience does not.  I also realize that we’re only on episode four, but combined with my impatience this whole we’re not going to talk about the Very Bad thing that happened, we’re just going to allude to the Very Bad thing that happened and when we do bring up the Very Bad thing that happened we’re not going to tell you anything at all except that it was Very Bad and that it happened! makes me a little stabby.

So, Damon teaches Stefan a lesson about not eating the mundanes by giving him a bad dream.  Stefan responds by throwing a letter opener at his heart and OMG HE’S BLEEDING, WTF CW?  Vampires?  Do not bleed*.  Period.  The end.  No Mas.  Damon returns the letter opener to Stefan by shoving it in his chest and HE BLEEDS TOO.  That sound you just heard?  My head exploding.  Gah.  Also, CW this was a complete missed opportunity because had the Salvatore brothers been shirtless during this scene I might not have been so focused on the fact that they were bleeding.  I’m just saying.

While heavily making out  with Elana, Stefan catches a glimpse of himself in her mirror and sees that his eyes are doing that weird, veiny need blood nao thing that they do.  Ignoring the fact that Stefan practically flew off her mid kiss because he desperately needed to tie his shoe Elana invites him to the Founders Party.  He says something along the lines of, “the Salvatores don’t get invited anymore” and it sounds quite a lot like, “The Cullens don’t come here” and that my friends is how you, post by post, diligently work Twilight into every single thing you write.**  You’re welcome.

Cut to Damon reading Twilight while Caroline tries on dresses for the Founders Party wherein he slams Edward for being whipped and laments about missing Anne Rice.  Best exchange of the episode?

Caroline: How come you don’t sparkle?
Damon: Because I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun.

And then he waves his ring around stating that it protects him from the burning, “long story”. Oh really? Long story huh? Like maybe we could get a little background on it? Like maybe now would be the perfect time for a trip down mythology lane? *sigh* Sadly, no. But we do learn that in this world turning into a vampire is much more complicated than just a bite. Noted.

There’s a fantastically creepy scene where with Damon on top of her Caroline asks if he’s going to kill her. There’s a twinge of awareness but it’s also stated very matter of factly. She doesn’t blink twice when he confirms that yes he will, just not yet. There’s just something so creepy about how close they are, how intimate and this sliver of awareness, of acceptance that the person she’s entwined with is going to kill her.

In other news, Horse Face doesn’t like it that what’s his face (seriously I don’t remember his name and I’m not looking it up because I hate these two with the fire of a thousand suns) treats her like trash and blah, blah, blah richest family in town blah, blah, blah I don’t treat you like trash blah, blah, blah I’m not going to actually introduce the waitress to my family blah, blah, blah I don’t care.  Less of these two.  More of the Salvatore brothers with their shirts off.

*claps like a seal* Guess who’s shirtless? Guess who’s shirtless? *claps like a seal* Damon! And Stefan’s in a tank top!  Okay look, it really doesn’t take a lot to make me happy and I’m not even going to pretend that I’m only watching this show for the deeper moral meaning.  Hell no, I’m watching this show for the pretty, pretty vampires. Shirts off, boys!  Tank topped Stefan is buffing his shoes and oh so casually sipping scotch and shirtless Damon tells Stefan, who is still tank topped and casually sipping scotch that for sure doesn’t have any of that Herb of Stay The Fuck Away From Me in it that their nephew Zach has been secretly growing in the basement, no siree not at all, that, “You’re dead dude.  Get over it.”  Stefan’s all, whatever dude I’m just casually sipping my scotch maybe you should have some.  Because seriously, it does NOT have any Herb of Stay The Fuck Away From Me in it that would seriously cripple you enough that I could kill you if I wanted.  Nope, not even a little bit.

It totally does.

Damon doesn’t fall for it either.  But Stefan claims it was all part of his diabolic plan because now Damon will never suspect that Stefan will try and poison him again so soon.  Which he does by putting the herb in Caroline’s drink so that when Damon feeds on her Bad Things happen.  Bad Things that enable to Stefan to lay the hammer down on who exactly will be running things from now on.  Bam, said the lady!***

But before that happens and, speaking of Bad Things, we take a quick trip to the department of back story to find out how Katherine died.  Turns out she was a union sympathizer and was rounded up with other like minded individuals and the church (I think it was a church?) was burned to the ground.  While this satisfied the mythology craving monster in me somewhat, this is still not the Bad Thing that happened that the town is still recovering from.  My guess is that crazy with rage and anger that their beloved was just burned alive the Salvatore family exacted their revenge in the form of a giant Mystic Falls buffet, all you can eat style.

Damon also steals back an Amulet of Ambiguous Importance that he stowed in the house eons ago.  Do we know what it does?  Of course not.  But I feel like it must tie into the fact that the 4 mundanes gathered together at the end of the episode declaring, “The vampires are back” seem quite disappointed that they still don’t have Elana and Jeremy’s father’s pocket watch.  Not sure what the pocket watch does but I feel like the Amulet of Ambiguous Importance (that Caroline is now in possession of) might counteract whatever it is that it does?  I DON’T KNOW.   *sigh*

Next week: less shirts!

*UPDATE: Sooo, someone pointed out to me that vampires do bleed in True Blood and.  Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but she’s right.  While I don’t remember them so much bleeding when wounded I do know that both Bill and Eric give Sookeh! their blood, so obviously if they were, say, stabbed with a letter opener they would bleed. And it totally doesn’t bother me while I’m watching True Blood.  So, I will stop bitching about this now.  Carry on.

**Truth be told, I’m not actively trying to bring up Twilight at every pass.  It’s just that there’s so many similarities.  And with New Moon around the corner it’s fair to say I’m a wee bit excited and thus it’s on my brain more.

***If you get this reference without having to look it up?  You have a special place in my heart and let’s be friends!