Vampire Diaries 1.3, aka: hey look who got the recap up before the new one airs!
You guys, the title of this episode is “Friday Night Bites” and it’s about football! Of course, this is only funny if you know about the football show Friday Night Lights. Get it? They swapped out the word lights for bites ’cause they’re vampires! I am not being at all sarcastic when I say that I love this. Because this is the type of shit I would do if I were in television. Also, clearly someone at the CW read my last post and they are trying to persuade me to like football. Because aside from making real football like Glee football involving vampires is a surefire way to get me interested. Now if it were a team of vampire football players and they broke out into a choreographed dance routine? You wouldn’t be able to stop me from watching football.
Anyhoodle, this episode starts with Caroline in bed totally not wearing the same bra she was wearing at the end of the last episode but this is supposed to be just hours later and maybe someone on staff could check for these continuity errors that bother me so. Oh, and she’s got a gash on the side of her neck that matches Damon’s pearly whites. Suddenly Stefan’s in the room and he and Damon shout, “Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!” and with his fist raised Damon yells, “Form of a creepy motherfucker!” Also, he is shirtless so clearly the CW is reading this blog!
Before school everyone apparently just hangs out outside the school and casually throws a football and such? This did not happen at my school. Or at least I wouldn’t know if it did because I was too busy getting up every morning at 4am so I could be in the pool by 5 for practice thankyouverymuch. Whatever, the tv tells me this is normal. Bonnie tries to warn Elana to take things slow with Stefan because she got a bad-touch vibe when their hands brushed. Elana decides this means they all need to have a sit down dinner together.
Tyler, he who forced himself on Vicki but it’s totally okay because he was drunk, tries to throw a football at the back of Stefan’s head, but Stefan fast-mos around and catches the ball and throws it back and it was the best catch and the best throw of a football that anyone had ever seen ever. Hey you know what’s a great way to blend in when you’re a hundred-something year old vampire trying not to bring attention to yourself? Become the star football player.
Back in the class of I See What You Did There, Stefan schools Tanner in naming dates of historical events and you guuuuys, he just gave himself away as a vampire because nobody in the history of the American public school system has ever learned that much historical data! Mostly I was disturbed by the fact that a grown man feels the need to shout “HA!” in a student’s face. Also, fetch my slippers and shawl again please because when Tanner demands the class look up a date not one single person pulls out a book but rather a cell phone to google it. I can’t even deal with that right now.
After much contemplative staring off into space Stefan tries out for the football team. Tanner (oh what, like you’re surprised he’s the football coach?) only lets him because he thinks Stefan’s going to get his ass handed to him. Tyler plans to do the handing. Stefan walks onto the field with a look that clearly says: BRING IT IF YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT IT. BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO I WILL SCHOOL YOU SO HARD IN FOOTBALL AND HISTORICAL DATES YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, AND IT WILL BE BROUGHTEN MY FRIEND.
He makes the team.
I have to hand it to the CW becasuse the Salvatore brothers spent much more time with their shirts off or walking into scenes while putting them on. I’m not saying there’s not room for improvement, I’m just saying I notice and appreciate the effort. Although it would appear that the only shirts the boys do own are all black, usually v-neck and vary in sleeve length. *whispers* It’s how we, the audience, are supposed to know they’re vampires.
Damon and Caroline, wearing a jaunty little scarf to hide the bite marks Damon dazzmourized her into forgetting about, crash the Dinner of Awkward Conversation and Elana invites Damon into her home and I think we all know how this is going to end. With a serious conversation between Damon and Elana about which brother fell in love with Katherine first, obvs. I’m amending my thoughts on her death, btw. I’m now thinking, given Stefan’s interest in the Salem witches, that mayhaps she was a witch and thus the death by fire. After dinner Elana has a sexy dream that’s half Stefan half Damon and really? We have to stop right when he/they take the shirt off? As she walks, startled yet sleepy, to get a glass of water we see the Crow of Foreboding in her window. *whispers* It’s how we, the audience, know it was Damon messing with her dreams.
Before the football game Stefan gives Elana a necklace that will be available at your local Hot Topic any day now. Screw the necklace I want that little box he had it in. ‘Tis awesome. It’s so tiny and wee and I could keep rings in it or something. Want. Anyway, that’s not at all creepy or weird or a little soon to be handing out necklaces holding Herbs of Stay The Fuck Away From Me because it’s only been like what, two weeks? Max. No Stefan, it’s not. Because no protagonist in the history of vampire stories (or rather Bella, Sookeh! and now Elana) has ever taken a relationship at a normal speed. So giving her an heirloom that both professes your love for her and keeps her safe from your creeptastic, yet awesome, brother is right on track. Next up: matching tattoos!
Tyler, super nice guy that he is, picks a fight with Jeremy. Stefan attempts to stop the fight but Jeremy goes after Tyler with the broken neck of a bottle and Stefan holds out his hand to deflect, thus getting his hand nicely sliced and dripping with blood and HOLD UP VAMPIRES BLEED? I’m not sure if this is from the books, as I haven’t read them yet, or if this is someone at the CW deciding they needed to show that vampires heal quickly but didn’t think things through when they wrote this scene. I do not approve.
Elana gets Bonnie to admit that the bad-touch when she brushed hands with Stefan was actually more of a death…feeling. Yeah, no shit. Homeboy’s dead, honey. Pay attention.
Damon and Stefan have the same fight they’ve been having since episode 1.1 and seriously unless you boys are going to take your shirts off while you have this fight it’s time to find a new topic. Although, Damon does spice it up with his cheerleader imitation, which I love eight ways to Sunday. To prove that he can do whatever he wants Damon feeds on Tanner. This guy was such a one dimensional tool that I’m not even a little sad that he’s dead.
That night Damon sneaks into Elana’s room while she’s sleeping and is all, “Uh dude, do you mind?” and with a nod of his head Edward is up out of the rocking chair and out the window, on his way back to Forks.