Friday Night Bites

Vampire Diaries 1.3, aka: hey look who got the recap up before the new one airs!

You guys, the title of this episode is “Friday Night Bites” and it’s about football!  Of course, this is only funny if you know about the football show Friday Night Lights.  Get it?  They swapped out the word lights for bites ’cause they’re vampires!  I am not being at all sarcastic when I say that I love this.  Because this is the type of shit I would do if I were in television.  Also, clearly someone at the CW read my last post and they are trying to persuade me to like football.  Because aside from making real football like Glee football involving vampires is a surefire way to get me interested.  Now if it were a team of vampire football players and they broke out into a choreographed dance routine?  You wouldn’t be able to stop me from watching football.

Anyhoodle, this episode starts with Caroline in bed totally not wearing the same bra she was wearing at the end of the last episode but this is supposed to be just hours later and maybe someone on staff could check for these continuity errors that bother me so.  Oh, and she’s got a gash on the side of her neck that matches Damon’s pearly whites.  Suddenly Stefan’s in the room and he and Damon shout, “Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!” and with his fist raised Damon yells, “Form of a creepy motherfucker!”  Also, he is shirtless so clearly the CW is reading this blog!

Before school everyone apparently just hangs out outside the school and casually throws a football and such?  This did not happen at my school.  Or at least I wouldn’t know if it did because I was too busy getting up every morning at 4am so I could be in the pool by 5 for practice thankyouverymuch.  Whatever, the tv tells me this is normal.  Bonnie tries to warn Elana to take things slow with Stefan because she got a bad-touch vibe when their hands brushed.  Elana decides this means they all need to have a sit down dinner together.

Tyler, he who forced himself on Vicki but it’s totally okay because he was drunk, tries to throw a football at the back of Stefan’s head, but Stefan fast-mos around and catches the ball and throws it back and it was the best catch and the best throw of a football that anyone had ever seen ever.  Hey you know what’s a great way to blend in when you’re a hundred-something year old vampire trying not to bring attention to yourself?  Become the star football player.

Back in the class of I See What You Did There, Stefan schools Tanner in naming dates of historical events and you guuuuys, he just gave himself away as a vampire because nobody in the history of the American public school system has ever learned that much historical data!  Mostly I was disturbed by the fact that a grown man feels the need to shout “HA!” in a student’s face.  Also, fetch my slippers and shawl again please because when Tanner demands the class look up a date not one single person pulls out a book but rather a cell phone to google it.  I can’t even deal with that right now.

After much contemplative staring off into space Stefan tries out for the football team.  Tanner (oh what, like you’re surprised he’s the football coach?) only lets him because he thinks Stefan’s going to get his ass handed to him.  Tyler plans to do the handing.  Stefan walks onto the field with a look that clearly says:  BRING IT IF YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT IT.  BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO I WILL SCHOOL YOU SO HARD IN FOOTBALL AND HISTORICAL DATES YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, AND IT WILL BE BROUGHTEN MY FRIEND.

He makes the team.

I have to hand it to the CW becasuse the Salvatore brothers spent much more time with their shirts off or walking into scenes while putting them on.  I’m not saying there’s not room for improvement, I’m just saying I notice and appreciate the effort.  Although it would appear that the only shirts the boys do own are all black, usually v-neck and vary in sleeve length.  *whispers* It’s how we, the audience, are supposed to know they’re vampires.

Damon and Caroline, wearing a jaunty little scarf to hide the bite marks Damon dazzmourized her into forgetting about, crash the Dinner of Awkward Conversation and Elana invites Damon into her home and I think we all know how this is going to end.  With a serious conversation between Damon and Elana about which brother fell in love with Katherine first, obvs.  I’m amending my thoughts on her death, btw.  I’m now thinking, given Stefan’s interest in the Salem witches, that mayhaps she was a witch and thus the death by fire.  After dinner Elana has a sexy dream that’s half Stefan half Damon and really?  We have to stop right when he/they take the shirt off?  As she walks, startled yet sleepy, to get a glass of water we see the Crow of Foreboding in her window.  *whispers* It’s how we, the audience, know it was Damon messing with her dreams.

Before the football game Stefan gives Elana a necklace that will be available at your local Hot Topic any day now.  Screw the necklace I want that little box he had it in.  ‘Tis awesome.  It’s so tiny and wee and I could keep rings in it or something.  Want. Anyway, that’s not at all creepy or weird or a little soon to be handing out necklaces holding Herbs of Stay The Fuck Away From Me because it’s only been like what, two weeks?  Max.  No Stefan, it’s not.  Because no protagonist in the history of vampire stories (or rather Bella, Sookeh! and now Elana) has ever taken a relationship at a normal speed.  So giving her an heirloom that both professes your love for her and keeps her safe from your creeptastic, yet awesome, brother is right on track.  Next up: matching tattoos!

Tyler, super nice guy that he is, picks a fight with Jeremy.  Stefan attempts to stop the fight but Jeremy goes after Tyler with the broken neck of a bottle and Stefan holds out his hand to deflect, thus getting his hand nicely sliced and dripping with blood and HOLD UP VAMPIRES BLEED?  I’m not sure if this is from the books, as I haven’t read them yet, or if this is someone at the CW deciding they needed to show that vampires heal quickly but didn’t think things through when they wrote this scene.  I do not approve.

Elana gets Bonnie to admit that the bad-touch when she brushed hands with Stefan was actually more of a death…feeling.  Yeah, no shit.  Homeboy’s dead, honey.  Pay attention.

Damon and Stefan have the same fight they’ve been having since episode 1.1 and seriously unless you boys are going to take your shirts off while you have this fight it’s time to find a new topic.  Although, Damon does spice it up with his cheerleader imitation, which I love eight ways to Sunday.  To prove that he can do whatever he wants Damon feeds on Tanner.  This guy was such a one dimensional tool that I’m not even a little sad that he’s dead.

That night Damon sneaks into Elana’s room while she’s sleeping and is all, “Uh dude, do you mind?” and with a nod of his head Edward is up out of the rocking chair and out the window, on his way back to Forks.

And scene.

That’s For Me To Know And You To Dot Dot Dot

So, it would appear that Kevin Williamson (who also created/wrote Dawson’s Creek) has decided to open each show with Law & Order-esque random people you’re never going to see again discovering a body/becoming a vampire victim. I’m actually hoping it’s not a trend because now that we know Not Boone is the one killing these people it’s sort of boring. The point to those openings in Law & Order is that you don’t know who did it. Now, not only do I know who is doing the killing, I just don’t care. You’re wasting a minute and a half of valuable screen time on people we’re never going to see again and who don’t advance the plot at all. Unless I’m supposed to believe there’s another vampire killing off the Mystic Falls folk? But I’m not getting that vibe. Yes, killing people off is going to cause problems for Stefan, but we already know that. I don’t need to see it. Although, Damon at least makes it interesting because when Random Girl runs for her car and it’s locked and he unlocks it with the beeper? I may have squealed and clapped like a seal I loved it so much.

History teacher, Mr. Tanner continues to be the biggest tool of all time and scolds Jenna for being a poor guardian while also, ONCE AGAIN, saying that 4 months is plenty of time for the siblings Gilbert to have gotten over their parents dying. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot, people?

Stefan goes to the hospital and dazzmourizes Vicki into forgetting how she was attacked, but since he’s on a diet of squirrels he’s totally sucks at it. (HA! Get it? Sucks? And he’s a vampire! *ahem*) Should he need to practice I would like to state for the record that I am available.

Elana, Bonnie and Caroline go to lunch and Caroline isn’t buying it when Elana claims she and Stefan just talked all night, because she, like me, would have tried to hit that like the fist of an angry god and girl go get some please. Elana sees our wisdom and decides that this is, indeed, a good idea. After letting herself into Stefan’s house when nobody answers, the Crow of Foreboding comes flying at Elana’s face and HOSHIT NOT BOONE IS RIGHT BEHIND HER! Turns out creepy is a family trait. As are black v-neck shirts. He brings up Stefan’s ex Katherine and my guess about that chick is that Stefan totally killed her. Accidentally of course. Stefan of course hears his brother telling Elana about Katherine and gets all angry. Elana leaves. Nobody gets it on. The Salvatore brothers do some weird tiger stand off circling and more threats about making Stefan’s life hell are thrown out. You know what this scene needs? Less shirts.

Once every 18 frillion years a comet comes close enough to see. As the entire town gathers to watch the comet Matt lights Elana’s candle (literally you pervs) and you know he’s totally hoping this is symbolic of them reigniting their romance. If there were a thought bubble above Elana’s head at this moment it would say, “Don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes; don’t roll your eyes. Just a candle dude. Never gonna happen.” And then she turns around and guess who’s right behind her with an unlit candle. No seriously, guess. You’ll never guess who it is. Go on, guess! Do you give up? It’s Stefan! I KNOW! She lights his candle before knowing who it is and YOU GUYS THIS IS TOTALLY SYMBOLIC OF THEIR LOVE! Stefan apologizes about being a tool earlier and you know what? These vampire boys do a lot of damn apologizing. Edward Cullen: I’m sorry I was rude to you.  I was busy fantasizing about the best way to kill you because your Outrageous Flavor is too much for me to handle. I ate some mountain lions so I’m better now.  Bill Compton: I cannot give you a specific example of his apologies because every time Sookeh! turned around he was apologizing for not being gentlemanly enough.  The only thing he should be apologizing for is this hair.  Elana also points out that Stefan spends a lot of time apologizing but girl, you do not even know the half of it.  Read the entire Twilight and True Blood series and then you can talk to me about a lot of apologizing.  Apologizing doesn’t look like a word anymore.

Horse Face sees Damon and swears she knows him from somewhere.  Horse Face is apparently a Lost fan.  He plays it off and I totally get it, you don’t want to be pigeonholed into one role for the rest of your career.  He takes her to the edge of the roof for some quiet time, which Boone would totally not do.  Do I need to go get Locke?  ‘Cause I’ll do it.  Do you need another spirit walk?  Do you?  Now you bring that girl down from there right this instance.  Before I can make my point Stefan bounds to the top of the building and basically says everything I just said but calls him Damon and doesn’t mention Locke at all.  Weird.  Not Boone complements Stefan’s jump with the best line of the night, “Not bad.  Have you been eating bunnies?”  More alpha male posturing occurs with a little Care Bear Stare and dazzmourizing thrown in for good measure.  And if the next time they mention the Not Good Thing that happened way back when without visiting the land of Back Story I’m going to start getting angry.

Caroline and Damon get it on and apparently Damon likes to feed while sexing.  Huh.

Elana goes back over to Stefan’s to finish what she started earlier and they talk and it’s epic and I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt.  Homegirl totally tells him where she hides her diary and Edward starts clapping because now Stefan has something to read while he watches her sleep!  They finally kiss and it’s epic.  Or something.

Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to finally go watch this week’s episode since I wouldn’t let myself watch it until I’d finished this recap.  The plan is for that recap to be up before Thursday and then I’ll be all caught up.  I’m hoping by telling y’all this it will make it so.

Are You Ready For Some Football? No, No I’m Not. Please Go Elsewhere With Your Pig Covered Ball*

It’s mere hours away from Monday Night Football and sitting here from the heart of Colts country I have a confession to make.  I don’t give a shit.

Hold the pitchforks and temper your torches and allow me to explain myself.

I don’t get football.  I have no idea what’s going on down there on the field.  I have never had a reason to learn.  In high school I went to football games to socialize (yes, I’m that girl.  Apologies.).  In college I went to exactly one football game and we left before halftime because it was cold, yo and watching A Walk to Remember/taking a nap sounded like a much better idea.

I’ve been known to fall asleep while Peyton Manning is on the field which I’m pretty sure qualifies me to be strung up by my toenails and forced to watch hours of football with my eyelids taped open until I relent that yes, football is awesome.  Also, I had to google Peyton Manning because I wasn’t sure if it was Peyton or Payton which I’m sure has it’s own set of tortures.  Look, I think his commercials are funny, okay?  And he’s got that other brother who plays football too, right?  I know stuff!

Okay, not really.  I watch the Superbowl for the halftime show.  The Britney Spears/NSYNC/Aerosmith/Mary J. Blige/Nelly halftime show remains a favorite, I don’t care what you people say!

Two weeks ago at Barnes and Noble, Bookstore Dude With the Really Pretty Eyes (Side note: I am in this particular store so often the staff all pretty much know me on sight.) was all “Why aren’t you ladies watching the Colts game?” and as I tried to not make eye contact, oh my god don’t make eye contact you’ll never stop blushing/break away from the omg so pretty eyes I decided, fuck it and told the truth.  “So, I’m not supposed to say this, but I just don’t care about football.  Yeah, yeah, yeah never stop looking at me like that.  I just don’t care…go Colts?” as I lamely held up my Colts credit card.

Look, I want the Colts to win, I really do.  No seriously, I do.  Do I need to show you my Colts credit card again?  If that’s not proof I don’t know what is.  You people are never satisfied!  I also know that I’m supposed to hate the Patriots, so I do.  I’m just not going to watch either of them do whatever it is they do.

In theory I should really like football.  Hot boys running around in tight, shiny pants, beer, awesome snacks.  However, in practice after about two minutes I’m all, “I’m boooooored.  Someone entertain me!” to which whoever actually is watching the game will reply, “I’m not your personal entertainer.  Watch the game!”  To which I respond, “Dance CLOWN!”  And the ensuing fight (think Jennifer Aniston and Christina Applegate on Friends) lasts 293 minutes and when we’re done the game is STILL ON.

So, while you’re all watching grown men run into each other on purpose, drinking beer and yelling, “Catch the damn ball!” and, “OOOOOOH! Did you SEE that?!?!” and, “What a pass!” or whatever it is you people yell at your tvs, I will be watching twenty-something vampires angst their way through high school, drinking a glass of wine and yelling, “Take off your shirt!” and “Come on girl, it’s time to hit. that.” and, “Say it with your shirt off!”.

*Yes, I’m just as surprised as you are that I posted again this week.