…and then they made me their king!

Oh True Blood producers, I’m on to you. Trying to distract us with Evan Rachel Wood as Sophie-Anne giving new meaning to the phrase “eating out” right off the bat. And Jason running into a tree! Oh Jason Stackhouse (sing it if you know the words) you stupid, sexy motherfucker. Never change. Never, ever.

Oh TBP, may I call you TBP? Did you really think with the girl on girl blood drinking and Bill’s marginally(!!) better hair and the Viking in a suit (unf) and Bella’s busted ass wig and the pretty boy running into trees and whining about how he works out hard and watches porn to learn stuff that I wouldn’t notice that this episode was about fuck all? No seriously, the plot (you remember the plot, yes?) advancement was so infinitesimal that I was literally shouting at my tv last night. We learned how to kill Mary-Anne. THAT WAS ALL. Do you know what I had planned to title this post after last week’s ended? “Shit Just Got Real Up in Bon Temps, Y’all”

It did not get real, y’all.

Some highlights from the oh my god superfluous episode:

Tara acted like a damn fool and the only good thing I got out of this storyline was my Viking in a flowered shirt and denim skirt wielding a shotgun. Viking in a flowered shirt. It. was. AHSUM. Tara also ran right back to Mary-Anne to rescue Eggs and SHOCKING! it’s all Tara’s fault that Mary-Anne is in Bon Temps and oh also? She’s back to sporting the black eyes and breaking shit with Eggs. Hey, at least they’re not beating each other up anymore. Also, if you didn’t see that coming I’ve got some real estate to sell you. Also, also when Mary-Anne gets angry she makes a noise like a million baby eels crying. Or what I imagine that would sound like. I’ve not spent a vast amount of time around crying baby eels. See also: nails on a chalkboard.

WTF GIANT EGG IN A NEST?

Lafayette and Sookeh! discovered that they both are having sexy, sexy dreams about the Viking ALONG WITH 90% OF TRUE BLOOD VIEWERS.

Sam threw out the word imprint when describing how he shape shifts and a million Twilighters could be heard going, “Umm…, Sam? That word? I do not think it means what you think it means…“*

Eric meets Arlene’s kids and calls them cute, “like teacup humans” and I will now be calling all the little ones in my life teacup humans.

Aaaaand the quote!

Despite the pointlessness of this episode I still managed to find a quote. Remarkable, I know. Bill, replying to Sophie-Anne’s pre-yahtzee snack’s offer of “I will have the sex with you”:

“That will not be neccessarahy”

Oh, Billy Compton.

Runners up, honorable mentions and participation ribbons:

Tara to her momma: “That’s Satan in your motherfucking Sunday hat.”

Jason: “And that’s in the Bible. Or the constitution.”

Sophie-Anne to Bill when he rushes off after hearing Eric has arrived: “This alpha male posturing. You two really should just fuck each other and get it over with. I could watch.” ME TOO! ME TOO!

*ahem*

So, what was your quotable quote? And jaysus, but we have to wait 2 weeks until the finale?

*Why yes, I did just throw a Princess Bride quote in right next to a Twilight reference that’s inside a True Blood recap. It’s like an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, surrounded by conundrum wherein the enigma is the best movie EVER, the mystery is actually a sparklepire, and the conundrum is a thousand-mumble-year old Viking vampire.

This Isn’t the Vacation You’re Looking For

I have issues with my birthday. They’re usually pretty sucktastic through nobody’s fault but my own. Another year brings to sharp focus that which I haven’t achieved, what I haven’t done, where I’m not in my life. I throw myself a pity party of such epic proportions that it usually takes me a few weeks to dig myself back out. Not my most attractive quality, but there you have it.

Last year given my limited funds and anticipating the Pity Party of Woe I decided to take the week of my birthday off. I stayed in town, unable to afford to go anywhere. I had lunch with some friends, I treated myself to a massage and manicure and pedicure, but mainly? Mainly I sulked in the Apartminium watching tv, eating crap food and feeling sorry for myself.

This year with the same limited funds and anticipatory feeling I took the week of my birthday off again. But I didn’t stay at home feeling sorry for myself. I decided about a week ago that I would actively fight off the Pity Party of Woe. So, Monday afternoon I piled myself (and my BRAND. NEW. CAMERA!) into the car with a babbling toddler “MOMMOMMOMMOOOOOM! A moo! A moo!” (where do two year olds get the energy for all the exclamation points?) and a dear friend and we headed to Crawfordsville to visit my little, little Lindsay and her 3 month old. The baby cried. The toddler cried. I cried. The baby whined. The toddler whined. I drank a lot of wine. I slept on a rock pretending to be a mattress. In a room with one blind missing. It gets bright EARLY y’all. In a room I shared with the babbling toddler who babbles even when it’s time to sleep. In a room, on a rock with the babbling toddler’s mother who apparently is prone to moments of surprise! spooning. I painted the kitchen.* I ironed curtains. I hung curtains.

This was not the vacation I had planned. (Please proceed with caution as the following statements contain excessive amounts of cheese. You’ve been warned.)

It was better.

The baby smiled. A lot.

And sometimes he didn’t.

I made S’mores Brownies.

I played Wii, got my friends addicted to Make It or Break It, wrote, annoyed my friends with my BRAND. NEW. CAMERA!, snuggled the baby, cuddled the toddler, cuddled my friends, gave a new mom a break from her colicky baby when she needed it. I spoiled the ending of the Jessica Darling series for the baby when I read him my favorite parts on the swing on the front porch. I danced on demand. “Sheeeeen! DANCE! DANCE!” I stayed up late giggling and talking trash and felt like I was 16 again at a sleep over.

I didn’t sleep in or well, for that matter. I didn’t shower for a day. I forgot to pack underwear. I didn’t lay around all day and watch tv and play on the interwebs. I got behind on Twitter, my reader reached a breaking point. But it didn’t matter. There is an ease that comes with being friends for almost 18 years. I’ve known them longer than I haven’t. And for me, someone who is constantly internalizing everything, analyzing every statement and movement and worried that I’ve hurt someone with my words, or my lack of words, or that I’ve done something wrong. For me that ease is priceless. They are already accustomed to my brand of crazy.

It was the best way I could have spent the first three days of my vacation.

Tomorrow at 2:59 pm I will officially be 27. This year I won’t be turning off my phone and unplugging the computer and hiding away into myself. And that’s in large part due to a vacation that hasn’t turned out at all like I had planned.

*If by painting you mean brushed approximately 4 strokes, gripped my crippled hand crying “It hurts!” and went to watch Aladdin with the toddler, then yes. I TOTALLY painted the kitchen.

Time the Fuck Out

Shit is going DOWN in Bon Temps, y’all.

It’s not every day that a deity is fixing to make an appearance in your small backwater town. The occasion calls for something special. But it has to be really, really special. You can’t just sacrifice a goat and call it a day. It’s been done to death. And you don’t want to disappoint said deity. Nothing says special like a tower of meat in the front yard?

Look y’all I don’t even know. This shit was not in the books.

What I do know is that this episode was seriously lacking in Viking Vampire. One half naked dream sequence does not a happy viewer make. Or something. And for the love of Shilo can someone in the hair department please give BEEL some decent hair? Stephen Moyer is an attractive man, but that hair is not doing him any favors. Let’s remedy this, shall we?

What we lacked in Viking was made up by everybody’s favorite Gilmore Boy Terry Bellefleur. Terry used his military experience to organize Maryanne’s merry band of shit disturbers into capturing Sam. He also seemed to be the only one who was still able to use any sort of reasoning skills while under Maryanne’s influence, calling bullshit on Jason’s lack of horns as the God that Comes.

And all I have to say about Jason’s attempt to free Sam is: Jason Stackhouse you stupid, sexy motherfucker. Bless.

On to this week’s quotable quote. Bill pulled through again for me this week when he went Vampire to Maenad with Maryanne and tried to get her to leave Sookeh!’s house.

“Ah strongly suggest you remove yourah self immediately!”

Needless to say I will be telling everyone I come in contact with to remove them selves immediately!

Honorable mentions go to Lafayette: “Jesus and I may have agreed to see other people, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time”

And Sam “Smite me motherfucker” Merlott.

There’s only 2 more episodes left. SOB!

This rushed post brought to you while I’m on vacation, bitches! and headed out the door.